Eliza: On Wrestling with Inner Darkness
For the past couple of months I’ve been wrestling with a bit of reactionary energy that keeps manifesting as a deep-seated anger primarily directed at a now former “friend”. While circumstances served to extricate me from a place that no longer suited me, the “friend” was the catalyst.
I’ve never been one to deny my “dark” side. Although many people when first engaging with me would think me as being rather introverted, I do have an intense fiery side, stemming from a natal Aries moon.
However, as I was living and moving around the landscape with this person over a period of nine weeks, I began to fall into a deep funk. The moodiness was, in part, a direct result of denying my own truth while attempting to listen and follow the dream of another.
This person… is a fairly well-known spiritual healer and catalyst. Yet she has a difficult time being around people who she deems as being at a “lower” frequency level than where she claims to be. I got tired of the constant self-aggrandizement every time we would go to the store or a restaurant, where this person would engage the waitress or shop person in a conversation about spirituality. It was like she wanted EVERYONE to know that she had undergone a “spiritual” awakening and had reached a place where she could “heal” others.
Arrrgh… I admit I’ve pumped my own ego a bit while writing on this blog and have made plenty of “mistakes” but I do not make any attempts to engage regular people in conversations about spirituality. Instead, I attend to business and give a quiet smile to those I feel need one… like the frail elderly folks that one sees so frequently in Florida.
Admitting to feeling angry, while also being grateful for escaping a compromising situation, I’ve been working diligently with the Violet Flame and compassion… for myself and for this “other” person. As is noted in a 2003 article by Jelaila Starr, compassion is the ONLY way out of the future that has been planned for us by the global elite. http://www.nibiruancouncil.com/html/timeline2003articlept2.html
The above mentioned article was suggested to Ms. Starr by none other than Sanat Kumara, leader of the Orion humans and now former Planetary Logos of Earth.
So, realizing that this latest bout of dealing with inner “stuff” is yet another step in cutting myself free from the bonds that bind me to the artificial matrix of our erstwhile controllers, I can express my gratitude for my former friend for acting in the capacity of one of my latest mentors and catalysts in moving towards complete soul liberation and integration.
I thought I would be working with another healer in establishing a healing center. That dream has not manifested and may never manifest at this point; however, right now, I don’t care. My life as simple as it is now, is allowing me time to heal and to get a good sense of who I AM, not what someone else, as well meaning as they might seem, wants me to do and be.
While around my erstwhile “friend” I felt like I was never good enough as I am. She wanted to dress me differently, wear my hair differently (I cut my long hair off above the chin!), wear make-up and hair product. All of this is very well for those folks who are into this sort of thing, but I’m not one who has ever been comfortable with “glam” looks. I like comfort and ease of wear.
There was also a lot of rejection of much of the esoteric knowledge that I’ve picked up here and there over the years. This person had no background in metaphysics or spirituality other than what has been communicated to her directly by her “team”. Her accomplishment, while highly desirable in New Age terms and certainly working for her benefit, did not benefit my progress when this person attempted to steer my spiritual development with her intuitive guidance, meant for herself alone. Furthermore, this individual insisted that my “team” was also communicating with her, while she instructed me on what I should do. This smacked as hubris on the part of someone claiming to be evolved and a violation of my free will.
Allowing someone else to be a mentor or guide is okay, as long as you are allowed to come to your own conclusions without criticism and judgment. Given the constant subtle criticisms that I was bombarded with, I began to question my own intuition, which is not a comfortable situation for anyone who is intent on growing and evolving.
I was in a position of being highly dependent on a relative stranger, in a strange state and environment, without transportation and limited financial means. After a while, the whole experience began to take on a similarity of a bad marriage, without the sexual relationship. Frankly, it was a toxic situation for me. And when it ended suddenly, it came as a total shock and release. The Universe had given me an opportunity to take my own life and direction back into my own hands and for that I am grateful.
Now is the time to get real with self. Any reaction to an experience that we deem as being “negative” needs to be scrutinized and not buried under self-recrimination. We’re human beings, emotional beings, as well as creator gods re-discovering our power to create our own world.
Another aspect of this particular individual was her extreme discomfort and denial of her humanness. There was a lack of understanding about the need to integrate ALL levels of being, bringing heaven to earth by INTEGRATING Higher Self into the human vessel. Instead, she wanted to escape and return “home”. Home is where your consciousness abides, wherever that might be and it is different for every initiate on the Path of Return…or The Way, as it is described in the book, The Sophia Code (author, Kaia Ra)
As we’ve been reminded frequently, ascension is NOT about escaping your humanity, but accepting it in its entirety, spots and all. We cannot possibly be “light and love” all the time. To pretend that you can is to deny the power of your full nature. Anger can be used to free you from a difficult situation, as it did in my case, through the avenue of my friend’s anger directly towards me. Depression is anger that has been turned against self… and that’s just what I was experiencing in the latter days of that recent misadventure. It took being a target for a major hissy fit to extricate me from the depths of self-pity and denial… to where I am now, feeling more centered and relaxed, able to set my own agenda and expectations… or not.
If anything can be learned from this sharing, it is to follow your own inner promptings, even if you fear in doing so you will “hurt” someone. It is better to hurt someone so you can be free to listen and respond to your own inner voice and guidance. We cannot live our lives through other people’s dreams or continually attempt to please another person… especially one who is dealing with their own unprocessed issues.
Ascension is not instantaneous and it isn’t an easy process. It takes work and commitment and a willingness to resort to self-examination, all the while allowing for the flow of constant intuition guidance and knowing. We have been told numerous times through channeled pieces and from experienced spiritual teachers, that everything we need in order to evolve is already contained within the divine center of our being, our Heart Center. We all have the library card to our own Akashic records, which are stored within our own DNA. The information garnered from thousands of lifetimes is all there; everything that we might need or use in this present embodiment.
The key point is to remember to use your own discernment in determining which information resonates with you… or “feels” right, in the moment. You may not be able to integrate information given to you by another because you haven’t reached the frequency level where it begins to make sense or gives you an “aha” moment of inner knowing and acknowledgement. That’s okay; we each are making small steps towards integrating knowledge and knowingness, received from both inner and outer sources, but only YOU can determine what is useful NOW for you, not someone else.
And although some one may advertise themselves as a spiritual healer, but anything and everything they have to offer may not suit you at all… and that’s okay. Do not judge yourself against the lauded accomplishments of another person, especially when they make a point to constantly announce to the world or those who care to listen just how evolved they are. A truly powerful person doesn’t need to advertise their accomplishments; they simply are present, quietly and without fanfare.
You will know through your own dealings with your “team” and inner knowing, that the process towards integration of Higher Self is a continuing process, one that never lets up.
This morning I woke up and realized that kundalini energy was running through my spine so I went immediately into a meditation, utilizing the energy and requesting a download from Archangel Metatron (see “This is the Healing Book” by R. McKenzie) for the integration and release of any stuck energy in my bodies. Our guides are there for us and will respond instantly to our requests, but it takes awareness and commitment to keep the work up even when our physical bodies are weary from all the demands that this adjustment entails.
Ascension and the integration of Higher Self is designed to take some time as the intense energies of the higher frequency levels would blow your circuits if taken too quickly. In the past, individuals have been injured by unexpected intense kundalini flows. Now, these flows can be monitored by self and adjusted by your mentors if you are consciously working with one… such as an Archangel or Ascended Master.
We have moved beyond the need for a physical guru, teacher or mentor and are now ready to work with our own higher essence, for the highest and best good for all concerned. If you are not already aware of this… the Archangels and Ascended Masters ARE your Higher Self, so, in effect, you are working with you while working with these heavenly collective essences.
While I am not doing what I thought I would be by this time after moving from Washington State, I find myself oddly well content with how my life is playing out. I am spending a lot of time in a creative space which brings me much contentment and peace, as well as getting out and exercising daily on my morning walks and explorations. While my new life is simple and I don’t know yet whether I will be staying in Florida or what happens next, I am now enjoying what comes in the moment, day by day, step by step.
Lastly, while it may appear that I am criticizing the actions and intent of another person, I am fully aware that the “other” person is an aspect of self. This individual was mirroring for me an aspect of unresolved karmic material that I have now become aware of and can work with to further integration that essence within. I honor this person for being a teacher on my path towards self-discovery, although I also chose to not be around them any further than is necessary to tie off a few still pending exchanges. It is my free choice and my responsibility to deal with my anger and issues in my own way.
© All Rights Reserved, Elizabeth Ayres Escher, www.bluedragonjournal.com
Photo Credits: from Princess Place Preserve and Washington Oaks Gardens State Park, Flagler County, Florida