Eliza: Musings on a Rainy Day
I seem to be at a loss this weekend. Emotions are surfacing, whether for clearing or not, I can’t tell. I experienced a great sense of disappointment in the reception of my last blog post (What is Happening to Our Weather?) which probably doesn’t have anything to do about other people, but a lot about how I view myself.
It would appear that very deeply suppressed feelings of self-loathing, sense of isolation and betrayal are all coming to the surface. Some of these emotions stem from childhood experiences of not feeling loved by my parents, misunderstood by my peers and longing for something undefinable that I was missing.
Yes, it is difficult to sit with this plethora of uncomfortable sensations and old memories, yet sit with them I will, allow them to be acknowledged and released.
Think positive thoughts and all will be well seems to be a current mantra or theme in light worker realms. I find this a rather shallow approach to the altogether “real” realities of life on planet Earth, where there still abounds much suffering and loss.
Yes, the souls that incarnated here chose to come in to rather difficult situations in order to experience what is NOT love. I would say that for most of us that lesson has been well learned. Now, we are moving into that space where we first learn to love ourselves and then allow our love to flow naturally out to those who are part of our daily life.
I work in a prison. I have sat across from murderers, rapists, child molesters, drug dealers, petty thieves and the like. They’re human beings and they’ve been judged by “society” as the lowest scum deserving of scorn, ridicule and rejection. In this environment, I have seen people struggle with what they deem injustices, throwing out their venom at others, striking out in childish tantrums and the like. However, some of what these forgotten people are feeling does have a basis in reality. Injustice does exist, especially in Western societies where status is based on material wealth and socio-political power. There will always be haves and have not’s in such a society.
I often ask myself why I am working in a prison, an odd setting for a super sensitive person like myself. Yet despite the experience of being there and seeing for myself the grim reality of at least a portion of these men’s lives, I have developed a better sense of self and have gained more stability, with better boundaries.
One of my co-workers, a woman with over 20 years of experience in a correctional setting stated once that you have to be a little crazy to work in a prison. It is quite evident that few in the general public really understand the pressures and stress placed on both staff and inmates by being put in an entirely unnatural setting. You can feel compassion for these men and their life choices, yet we must abide by the laws and rules that put them in prison in the first place, laws created out of political expediency, as well as rules driven by budgetary constraints and bureaucratic blindness. Working in a prison is to experience a part of the Matrix from the inside. It is a sobering experience, but educational, as well.
I am no bleeding heart. I understand that these people have chosen a difficult path for this lifetime. Many will return to the streets and seek to drown their pain in drugs and alcohol and end up back in prison. Many have been abandoned by family and come from harsh family histories, filled with abuse, poverty and neglect. Most of these lost ones hate themselves profoundly and seek to strike out at others through manipulation and strong-arming. Yet others learn from their experiences. I have seen more light in the eyes of some “convicts” than I have seen in persons out walking the streets free. It’s all a matter of perspective.
So… where does this take me? Well, by sharing this I have moved through some of my pain that has come up.
Most light workers, to some degree or another, have chosen to come into difficult life experiences, at least in their beginning years. This was a soul decision designed to compel the human portion of our self to strive to overcome, to search for meaning and to, hopefully, discover the strength and wisdom that abides within their own heart space.
We each come to the realization that we are more than what we appear to be on the surface. In the face of much rejection, I always persevered on my path, sometimes feeling like Alice in the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, where she is walking along a path only to have a dog with a brush-like appendage on his face sweep away the path before her and behind her. You’re bound to feel lost sometimes so you come to rely on the small still voice within, on hunches, gut feelings and intuitive understandings because sometimes that is the only map you have.
From these tiny stirrings within comes to one more understanding, more wisdom and more grace. And there is the occasional stumble, like my article of yesterday. I have mentioned that I am sensitive and pick up on other people’s energies very easily. I could sense immediately the nearly total rejection of what I had presented. So I have decided to pull the article. I nearly came to the decision to dump the entire blog, but woke up with the realization that to do so would be to act out of pique, like a small child undergoing a tantrum. I could not do that to myself or to my readers. So I will persist in my explorations of the inner worlds of Self.
I do this work not out of the hopes to gain friends or followers, but as an exploration of all aspects of self even those deemed, perhaps, as less than perfect or desirable by some. I’ve noticed by the ebb and flow of my readership that a lot of light workers or curiosity seekers seem to prefer channeled material rather than something written from the “human” point of view. I would say this that anything that has come through me in the way of channeled material has been processed through my consciousness.
We’re still working with dualistic judgment here, “higher” being better and the human being less than. Isn’t that what we are attempting to overcome? Ascension is about the descension of the Higher Self into the physical body. Your ego is not going to be killed off; you need it for your body to survive. Your emotions are not going to go away, just calmed. Your thoughts will still exist and move through your awareness, like flitting fish through a pond of calm water, shadows, elusive and furtive. Feelings are your antenna on the world like whiskers on a cat; you feel everything around you as you move through your day although most humans suppress probably 95% of what they’re picking up. As you become more awake and aware, you suddenly come in touch with all your feelings, especially many of which you have chosen in the past to overlook or suppress. Suddenly they’re in your face, like small children wanting your attention. And so, with compassion and patience, you look and see the beauty in the human experience, in the angst, the sorrow, the pain, the sense of abandonment and desertion. Why?
You begin to understand that you came here in order to experience what you cannot feel to such depth in the higher planes of existence. Physical life is challenging and this planet contains some of the lowest energies in the Galaxy, but we have come here out of choice, and in being here, we need to be willing to face the shadowed portions of our being that we have rejected, like the inmates that I see every day who have rejected and judged by a society that is unwilling to provide justice for all its citizens not just a chosen few.
When we can face the shadows and look calmly at them with compassion and unconditional love, we can release the shadows from the bondage in which we first cast them through our own actions and self-judgment. By being willing to work on our own inner nature first, blemishes and all, we develop the natural compassion and strength of character that will serve us well no matter what life dishes out for us.
Great souls like Gandhi and Mother Teresa have worked with and for the downtrodden of the world, their own people and people they have chosen to serve, expecting no abundance or rest, living simple lives of devotion and following an inner guide despite the protests of those about them. As long as some suffer in the world, we suffer, too, in some portion of our being.
I have no intention of acting as a missionary as I’m not a religious person. I’m not here to save my country from a foreign power. I’m here to experience what life puts in front of me as best I can, pulling on my inner resources, profound wisdom stemming from my higher self and the insights that come from my own willingness to look directly and honestly at my own actions and thoughts.
No, I’m not perfect. I still eat meat. I don’t meditate daily. I watch murder mysteries. I still struggle with my imperfections, perceived or otherwise, but do so all the while knowing in my heart that it is because I am willing to go through the human experience imperfect that many will come to me when the time comes because they sense that I KNOW and understand what they are feeling because I have been there and done it myself. You can teach someone how to overcome the world but can you teach someone to be in the world and to bring into the world the very best of them unless you’ve done it, too? I don’t think so. I don’t feel it would be acting out of integrity or gritty honesty to teach what you have not experienced yourself.
Each of us walks a different path. Some of us walk alone. Some of us walk on parallel paths that sometimes touch and then draw apart for a time. Those of us who do come in contact with each other, whether through daily life or by interaction on the Internet, we are all soul mates, working together to create a world where all people can live and experience physical existence with grace and ease. However, we’re not there yet, folks, not at least in my experience.
I, too, would enjoy seeing and working with my Galactic cousins, side by side and there will come a time when we do so, but the fact is, change and transformation come at a slower pace in the physical than we are accustomed to on the higher dimensions where what you think immediately manifests before your eyes and in your world. Time has sped up; change is coming more rapidly and at great cost to those who resist it. Will we turn our collective backs on those who do not meet some New Age standards of behavior? Will we judge those who are our brothers and sisters? Or can we find it within ourselves to open our hearts, release first our own self-judgment and self-hatred, work on self, deal with self and then expand our heart flames so that all who walk in our presence are transformed without the least bit of effort on their part?
We are the Alchemists of the Spirit that have materialized upon the planet’s surface to work miracles among the people who have lost their connection with the Sacred Source that dwells within all living beings, including the flesh of the earth, in the soil, the stones, in the waters, in the air, in the breath of each living creature that crawls, swims, walks, gallops or flies upon the winds.
We work from within the Matrix, transforming first ourselves, acting as living examples. We do not judge others for what they are or what they are doing, even if they have done the most vile crimes for they are the lost ones who are self that has turned away from Source, out of resentment, feeling less than, feeling cut off from personal creative power, destroying others out of envy, fear and lust. We have experienced all these states of being so we could understand the motives, the emotions and the thoughts that created the scenarios. And now we have the knowledge and experience to transform the world for we know it from the inside out. We know ourselves and learn more every day as we gain self-knowledge and insights, presented to us in an unconditional, unjudging manner by our compassionate soul and spiritual mentors.
Slowly, we discover that we are worthy of love, that we were never forgotten or cut off or abandoned. Can we show this understanding to others who still struggle in the depths of the shadows of the illusion? I hope so. It is what I have come to do by being a part of the world not by attempting to escape from it.
Yes, I am in the world but not of it. I am awake, aware and sometimes painfully so, still I endure for I draw upon the fortitude and strength that my Angelic presence lends me that I may complete the work I have come to do. What that work entails for me, at least right now, is to share my process so that others might see and feel that they are not alone in their struggles, that they can reach out at least momentarily to acknowledge that another understands them, at least to a certain degree.
No, I am not here to solve your problems, heal you or soothe you; I’m not the mothering type in the traditional understanding of that role. That is your own obligation to self, to discover what gives you the strength to go forward, to look at yourself honestly and with compassion, to be unflinching in the face of rejection from others; to live with integrity and complete faith in the Providence that works behind the scenes to support you.
Well, I guess I will stop for now. I’ve said my piece for today. It evolved out of pain and ended in calmness for I allowed the transition to occur. I speak out of the wisdom of my soul and out of my own experience. Your experience and feelings will differ as we are unique facets of the Whole. And so it is until we return to the formless existence from which we first emerged as conscious beings.
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