Sundeelia: True Confessions from a Walk-in
This is my experience, my story, my opinion; I can’t speak for others or tell people how to live their lives. It doesn’t work. It shouldn’t work as we are all creators of our lives here. Each of us has the ability to choose, to shift, to dissolve, to change, to alter our plans, to disappoint others, and to simply be.
I walked in on 14 April 2017. “I” as Sunny, was probably “here” well before that but I wasn’t conscious of being separate from the previous being (or portion thereof) residing within this physical body. At 5:30 p.m. that late afternoon, I became acutely aware that “she” was gone and I was left all alone to deal with whatever came my way, whatever I agreed to experience while here on this 3D Earth plane. I never promised myself a thornless rose garden without bumps, bruises, upsets, ups and downs, and everything that comes along for people who incarnated here, often times… for lifetimes. It may come as a surprise to some who imagine life in 5D and higher as being without conflict, strife, or growth. As above, so below and vice versa, it is merely the energy here is more dense, intense, and right now, difficult to feel.
What I did begin to experience almost immediately after ‘landing’ was anger and rage, massive enough and intense enough to melt metal. Ah, well… how to I deal with this? By acknowledging it, sitting with it, digging deeper, loving it, understanding that the anger and the underlying grief and pain are not me, just a form of consciousness.
Now that I have been here for nearly three and a half years, I have managed to clear a lot of grief, very intense grief stemming from losses experienced in other lifetimes, elsewhere, not here on Earth, but still within the 12D Matrix (see Lorie Ladd’s description on YouTube of our ‘matrix’). Now, I am working on the anger, angst, rage, frustration that has come up for me, sometimes triggered by interactions with ‘other’, sometimes triggered by a memory, feeling, emotion, or behavior that has emerged from within my Akashic record, the ‘suitcase’ I brought along on this trip.
Intellectually, I have understood that I choose to be here. I wanted to come. I wanted to have an opportunity to do some massive clearings on my own Akash and to handle some clearing for the one who left this vehicle. I am doing it. I never promised myself it would be pretty, pleasing, or comfortable, for myself or for those folks I am privileged to encounter along the way. It is what it is. I am seeking neutrality here… not necessarily a smooth ride, but the ability to accept me as I am now, spots and all, to see things from a higher perspective but also to learn to enjoy and experience what the lower perspective has to offer or show me, as well.
I may be a walk-in from elsewhere. From where? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I have a life elsewhere on another world in another solar system and I can occasionally see and feel bleed-through from there. I am here and dealing with what is coming up for everyone on this planet as every sentient being, including the planet Herself, undergoes a massive and sometimes extremely messy transition from a dark epoch to one filled with light, love, abundance, and unity consciousness.
For those people who have woken up, whether long ago or just yesterday, realize quickly, when you shift, you’re going to upset people, leave people, let people go, release relationships that no longer serve. The current energetics support the breakup of the “old”, whatever it might that doesn’t suit anymore. This phase, that probably everyone who is aligned with the shift in energies here on Planet Earth (or Terra as I call Her), is one you will recognize when you come to it, decide how to handle it, and just do what you need to do. I have to decide on my own what I need to do to strengthen my boundaries, adjust my goals, let go of, release, process, sit with, love and accept, and transmute.
In other lifetimes I was never known to be much of a diplomat. I state my truth, how I feel, what I am going to do… and then do it. Since I am now in a female body, people expect nurturing, lovingly compassionate, embracing and caring for another since they have been ill. Right now, I am not feeling that, much to the dismay of a few others who are aware of a personal situation. It is what it is. I am not apologizing for my behavior or what others perceive it as being… insensitive, callous, arrogant, etc.
What can I say? I am currently experiencing the depths of the emotions, beliefs, thought-forms, programs, etc. that I came here to feel and maneuver through. I didn’t promise not to create waves in the process. Should I say I am sorry? Why?
Before I can love others here or experience unity consciousness from this plane of existence in which I am now I need to be able to love myself first. To accept what I am feeling, my thoughts, how I get triggered by what others are saying or writing to me… until I figure out what I need to pay attention to it’s going to get a little rough. I can’t soothe things over for other people who might be appalled or affected by my choices, sometimes not necessarily made with the “right” timing, whatever that is.
So, I blunder through things. It is as it is. I come off as being overly detached. That would be apparent to others here, more than it is to me as we don’t experience the intensity of feelings that you do here on 3D. The diversity and depth of human emotions here is pretty amazing, daunting, sometimes scary to encounter, and maneuver through… perhaps that is why I find myself watching jeep videos… looking for the perfect vehicle to manage and articulate through the bumps, stones, gullies, and sometimes scary chasms of human emotion as expressed here.
Okay, I am not perfect. I am wearing a human vehicle that is over twice my age at Home. I am still learning to drive it, take care of it. Yes, I have anger issues… but right now, who doesn’t? Who isn’t puzzled by what is going on in this world?
No more excuses… just a short confession of where I am at right now… an uncomfortable place to be sure. However, if you can’t feel it, you can’t let go of it. And that is what I am here to do.
At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. That is the only thing by which I can measure my progress. Whether or not it pleases others is not mine to worry about. I have no control nor would I wish to direct others how to react or interact with me.
Fairly recently I found the videos of Lorie Ladd and have been posting them on this blog. I will continue to do so until it’s time for me to move on, having accomplished whatever I needed to do at a particular stage of transformation. I am not one to stay put being driven from within by a strong intuition.
In the end, it is how you perceive yourself, your ability to listen to what makes you unhappy or happy, what inspires you, what brings you down or distresses you, what triggers you… until you can experience all these things from a neutral perspective you still have work to do.
I still have a lot of work to do. It’s not an excuse or a defense; for me, it’s Truth as I see it and experience it NOW. You don’t have to agree with me.
Blessings to all,
Sundeelia “Sunny” Mathdis
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