Holidays… it’s considered “normal” to get excited about the holidays and everything that comes with them… that is if you have an unusual family that actually gets along well with each other. For nearly two decades holidays have been for me something to dread, other than getting to spend some time away from work. There wasn’t any Thanksgiving feast and no gathering of friends or family. Most of the day, I was alone and this year I felt very cut off and detached from the rest of humanity. For some moments at least I wondered what I was still doing “here” and if there was anything still on the agenda as it were. A whole lot of angst felt by an isolated person, who has recently questioned just why I ended up where I did. The answer is still pending… although there are glimmers of understanding and comprehension. Holidays are seldom a jolly time for me. Just for the record, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating facts.
When these “holidays” arrive on the event horizon, I usually disappear into my cave and don’t venture out until they’re done. The hectic energies that surround these events are difficult. And this Thanksgiving was not an exception. I felt some rather intense emotions moving through me as memories of Thanksgivings past went through my mind. Tears, loneliness and a feeling of loss, more intense than I have felt for a long time surfaced. Fortunately, I know how to handle these waves better than I did years ago. Still, I was a bit surprised by their intensity.
Ultra-sensitive and empathic to a high degree (which will be normal for most people eventually) I have been blessed with the need to avoid big crowds of people. I can deal with going to the store for groceries, but seldom make department stores a destination unless I feel in dire need of refreshment to my wardrobe, something that hasn’t occurred lately due to my simplified lifestyle here in Florida.
I’m beginning to find Facebook a bit wearing, too, with the repetitive posts about Standing Rock and other political issues. Change needs to come from within each individual. Pointing fingers and opposing the actions of others is not a constructive way to change society. It simply reinforces the sense of duality and conflict, which in turn feeds the Archonic forces that exist behind the powers that were.
After spending an evening talking with a friend who is currently undergoing an emotionally challenging health crisis with one of her children, I was able to surrender and share a bit of how I was also feeling. As one who has not had a lot of friends, certainly close friends with which to share my real Self, it was refreshing to be fully accepted, with some wonder on both of our sides. I can present a calm and quiet demeanor but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel very deeply what is going on in the world and in the lives of other people. It is just that sometimes it is so overwhelming to feel everything, so I have to intentionally limit my exposure.
This afternoon I was still a bit tired, but I went out to my little art studio and started working on two different paintings. Before I knew it, my mood had lifted and I was feeling pretty happy playing with my paints. While I have a Bachelor’s degree in Art, I didn’t really receive any classical training when I was taking my art classes, at least in the painting ones. So, I’m in the process of teaching myself with the aid of some books and online videos, but mostly by experimenting and just painting. My art pieces certainly aren’t what I would consider “professional” but they have a certain amount of appeal and people seem to like them… although no one has bought any yet while I’ve been here in Florida. There are a lot of artists here!
On Wednesday, I spent another full day working at the Gallery of Local Artists. Just being “on” all day is a challenge, although I did very well and enjoyed talking to the various groups and individuals who visited the store. Many of the supporting artists (there’s about 60+) drop in from time to time to replenish supplies and replace pieces. It’s fun to talk to them and look at their art work. I’m always learning from others.
Yesterday when I checked the stats on my blog the number showing was “555”… and then I noticed the time was also “5:55”! Big changes on the horizon? Since we’re finishing up a “9” year or Year of Completion to a nine-year cycle… a several other longer ones… change is inevitable. A full moon is also going to be in phase on the 29th, so prepare yourself for some more intense energies.
We all face challenges from time to time; it is better to be honest about it and not try to suppress feelings that crop up as a result. For me, it was the realization of just how different my life is now a year after the last Thanksgiving Day weekend. No longer am I living in Washington State, instead I’m now a resident (for the time being) of Florida, almost as far away as physically possible and still be in the United States. I’m not working full-time; instead, I’m living on Social Security… which is an interesting state of being in itself. I’ve let go of an entire household of furniture as well as two cats that ended up finding new homes. I have a different car and am renting a room at a friend’s house. My circumstances could hardly be more different… and yet, despite having to deal with emotions that come up for clearing like they did yesterday, I would have to say that I’m more physically well than I have been for a long time. And I can arrange my “schedule” any way that I want, as long as I am cognizant of my budget.
In my own quiet way, I am developing a rich but simple life here, with my creative endeavors, explorations and writing. I’m also beginning to venture out and meet some new people, especially those with whom I share some interests, namely Nature and art. I’ve never needed crowds of friends to make me feel better about myself, but now find it pleasant to get to know people who are entirely different from me. To be accepting and tolerant and finding a place of mutual respect means a lot to me and those with whom I come in contact now through daily living… which may indeed only entail a friendly smile and wave to fellow walkers.
If you are feeling challenged by the holidays, know that you are not alone. This time of year can be filled with stress for those whose expectations are excessive. I’ve let go of expecting anything around this time of year and yet open myself to receiving the energies of my inner guides and angelic assistants. I make sure that they are aware of my eternal gratitude for their Presence in my life. Perhaps that circle of gratitude will grow as more friendships and acquaintances come into my life.
Blessings to all, to those who still suffer and to those who are filled with unlimited joy; in my eyes, you are all my sisters and brothers, no matter where you live or your calling in Life. Namaste.
I AM Eliza Ayres
All Rights Reserved, Eliza Ayres, www.bluedragonjournal.com