Eliza: On My Wanderings, Integration & Self-Examination


Eliza:  On My Wanderings, Integration and Self-Examination

Last night I was reflecting on just how my life has changed in the last eight or so months.  Florida is now my home, at least temporarily, and I’ve been striving to adjust to a very different environment, in more than one way.  Where, last autumn, I was still working at the prison and thinking about retiring and leaving Washington, I have done so, and still I do not feel that I have found “home”.  Perhaps it is just as well; that I might indeed be somewhat of a gypsy in my latter years.  I really don’t know at this point.

Realizing that I’m hardly alone in feeling a bit disorientated, ungrounded and uncertain, I’m doing my best to ground through my daily walks and little local explorations, as well as grounding creatively through my art.  Thankfully, I have a place to “do” my art work, for which I am grateful.  And I have a place to shelter and rest, but it still isn’t what I would consider “home”, just a temporary situation.

Seeing now that I’ve retired, it would seem that I have oodles of time to write, but haven’t really wanted to write much other than periodic journal entries, most of which relating my various explorations of Central Florida.  There hasn’t been the inner push to write or expound on what I am observing around me in terms of geopolitical issues, world events and so on.  I observe, I feel, and yet retain a deep sense of detachment.

While I am a highly sensitive individual and empathetic to some degree, I also have the ability to look upon human foibles quite dispassionately, which can make me appear to some individuals as being quite cold and distant.  I simply feel uncomfortable around people who seem to thrive on drama and anxiety in their lives.  I tend to be very practical and have been endeavoring to simplify everything in my life, which includes relinquishing the need of being surrounded by a lot of material objects.  Of course, as an artist, I have my art materials and ironically tend to create canvases like some people create cakes.  If they’re not sold, they will probably go to friends or to charity, as I find I can no longer cling to things in order to create a sense of security.

There is a great deal of uncertainty in our world as it goes through an intense cycle of transformation and transition from one cycle to another.  Some folks with a determinedly positive attitude feel that our world will be magically transformed from the grim place it is today for many people to some amazing tolerant and abundant realm.  I like fairy tales, but I have a sense of the purely practical, grounded and intensely self-analyzing person that I am to know the transition will not be easy or smooth, especially for those who are heavily bound up in the conditional thinking of the old energy matrix.  This includes followers of the largely self-deluded New Age teachings, which has become as much of a false religion than the others which came before it.  Change brings pain and in the third dimension, pain is the primary teacher.  Where one must grow, there will be chaos and friction.  The degree to which one suffers through this transition largely depends on one’s ability to release self-judgment, self-recrimination and self-hatred, while fully understanding one’s primary purpose in being here is to grow and evolve, no matter what one’s soul origin.  Don’t think that by labeling yourself as a “starseed”, “wanderer” or some other title will allow you to escape the lessons that will undoubtedly arrive at your doorstep should you be reluctant to “do the work” that is required, especially now, especially with these difficult times.  Even those with the financial means to largely ignore the sufferings of others will find that circumstances can change in the mere blink of an eye.

A while back, I began to identify with the idea that I was a starseed.  Soon this notion was supported by the observations of others, who I realize now, had their own agendas and desires to sell the belief system of the New Age.  It doesn’t matter where I’m from, just that I am here now, undergoing lessons like everyone else upon this planet of lies.  And despite the difficulties of living and being here, there are also moments and even days where I experience a great transcendence of feeling and step, if momentarily, into a dimension of great clarity and peace.

Yesterday, as I sat on the dusty bench of a picnic table, listening to the voices of birds, the scramblings of an army of busy squirrels dashing after a heavy harvest of acorns and hickory nuts, the gentle lapping of the waters of the St. John River and just the sigh of a breeze in the branches above my head, I felt completely and utterly at peace.  I was aware of my surroundings, noticing the movement of a shy raccoon as it carefully scuttled through the bushes and trees at the edge of the clearing, aware yet unafraid, focused yet relaxed in the surety of the rightness in being there, as well.  I did not feel like an intruder or interloper in the peace of the place, just a visitor to some outdoor sanctuary had generously enfolded me into its sacred presence, giving me the strength to go on living with the uncertainty and lack of direction that I’m feeling right now.  Nature has been my church for a long time.  There is no division there, no political agendas or unrest, no social causes, no dietary laws, no belief systems; it simply is a manifestation of the essence of Creation.

Part of the reason I came to the East Coast was that I felt I was pursuing the idea of an old dream, to be a healer, to work in a healing center with individuals who were in the awakening process.  With further thought and inner reflection as well as circumstances undergoing a profound change of direction, I have completely let go of any concept that I am a healer or need to heal others in order to “save” or “change” the world.  Releasing a sense of responsibility over the future of other people, I have come to an understanding of the old phrase, “to be in the world, but not part of it.”

My work here, if indeed it is work, is simply to be in the moment, responding to the people around me as best I can, to take responsibility for my actions and thoughts and to continue to explore my own consciousness, what makes me “tick” in terms of what I continue to react to, what can be released, what should be released and what needs to simply be observed.  Acceptance, the ability to let go of the need to heal or repair, whether it is something that you observe in the actions of another person or group, or within your own beingness… is a way to let go of the need to perform to standards or conditions set up as a means to make you always fail, either in your own eyes or in the eyes of the world.

In terms of material success, I’m a complete failure.  I do not own a house or property other than my old car, my clothes and art materials… as well as some household items that I have not yet gotten rid of, things that I dragged clear across the continent.  Some of those items, like the wooden spoons once used by my mother, have been in the family for years, but what is “family” to me now?  My folks passed on over a decade ago and I do not have the room or finances to set up my own household right now. So, I am slowly releasing these old energy items to further free myself of any connections to my past lives.

This morning I encountered a red-shouldered hawk (black and white barred tail, rufous chest and legs) that was busily pulling worms from a lawn, like a robin or the local flocks of ibis.  It was an odd sight to see that grand bird engaged in hunting for food like any other, but an interesting statement to me about how to approach daily living.  We are here, enmeshed in 3D, and need to take care of our daily chores, like shopping, feeding ourselves, doing the laundry, getting gas for the car, cleaning and vacuuming our rooms, cleaning the bathroom, tidying up the garden or yard, doing 3D chores to keep ourselves aligned and healthy physically.

Some people would rather dismiss the need to participate in such activities as not being “spiritual”, but I find the spirituality is not different or separate from the physical world.  Rather it is interwoven like threads of light into our daily activities, our interactions with our surroundings, how we treat other people and how we treat ourselves…as in the old teaching: “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”  Is there a core of ethical consideration in your actions or do you react without thought?  Are you practical or merely pretend to be something that you are by sinking into an attitude of wishful thinking?

Perhaps it is my Scottish blood, for despite my profound mystical relationship to the world of Nature, I can act in a responsible fashion within the world, sensitive to the needs of others, yet retaining boundaries when and if necessary in my interactions.  I admit to some flights of fancy and ego in my earlier years of maintaining this blog, yet some of my experiences with channeling, feeling non-physical energies and the like have informed me to the degree that I know that other dimensions and levels of vibrational frequency exist.  I can sense and feel into these energies most strongly when deeply ensconced in a natural setting, but even when involved in a painting or simply sitting quietly on my bed before sleep.  Becoming quiet, truly quiet, where your consciousness is not occupied with the noise and chaos of daily living, can bring moments of peace to your awareness that allowed will expand into all aspects of your life despite whatever is going on around you.

It is not enough to throw around phrases like “Love and Light!” to be able to ascend in consciousness.  One must commit to the work.  Further, there must exist within one’s self a deeply interior desire to do the necessary work.  Make no mistake, no one is here to save or protect you from self-committed follies.  What you reap, you will sow.  Make apologies, clean up your mistakes and move on.  And if the apologies are not well received, let go of any further need to explain your motivations or thoughts.  You are not responsible for how other people react to your presence.

Ascension is a process of integration of one’s greater self into the human self.  Yet, all the while, we retain the human qualities of compassion, empathy and a longing to belong, whether to another… a mate, friend, a group or tribe.  In a way, I have connected to members of my tribe through the Internet; I have not yet encountered many physically.  Perhaps that will happen in the future, I don’t know; I simply live day to day, and largely unaware of the time or even what date it is except when I look at the date/time in the corner of my laptop screen.  I follow the flow of the day more by the angle of the sun in the sky, the light in my room or where I am working outside or in my little temporary studio.  Time is disappearing and yet there are a few things that keep me anchored here… but just a few.

One is my simple curiosity; I like to explore new surroundings, take that back road and see where it goes, walk around an old town and look at the buildings, feel the sense of place that each location presents, learn the names and growing habits of plants, and observe the local wild fauna, the birds, mammals and yes, reptiles and amphibians… which abound here in Florida.

Knowledge, learning new things delights my senses and aids in grounding me in my surroundings.  When I recognize a plant or tree, like the huge pignut hickories that grow in the hardwood forests here, I smile and even laugh, like I’m greeting a new acquaintance. I was the same in the mountains of the Pacific Northwest, where I spent much of my earlier adult life hiking, skiing, mountaineering and backpacking.  I would come upon a community of plants and begin to talk to them, addressing the flowers, shrubs and trees as individuals or group consciousness… as indeed they are… organized into devic realms and brought into form by the elemental kingdoms.  I have always been aware that all physical forms, be them stone, water, air, plant or animal, have a form of consciousness, albeit one that few people can connect with other than through feeling a sense of oneness… or the peace that I feel when out in Nature.  Nature is alive to me, not a resource to be used for the sake of making profits.  It pains me to see natural environments being altered, destroyed and pillaged.  Yet I don’t feel the need to correct or defy the ones who are doing such acts.  I cannot control or determine how other people choose to act or what experiences come into their lives as a result of their actions, what some would describe as karmic return or rather the balancing of energies.  Energy will always return to neutral if given an opportunity.  It is the way of cycles.

So, we are undergoing a grand transition, from one great age, the Kali Yuga, to the Satya Yuga or Golden Age, as described by the ancient Vedic teachers.  This is a concept little understood by most Westerners, but one that they may begin to grasp as the old systems continue to implode and crash even as newer systems, based on the more inclusive energies of the Golden Age, continue to expand, grow and develop.  So must each of us let go of the old, embrace the new and explore new ways of seeing and experiencing life.  You may choose to leave your old job and take up new endeavors… but, as I have found, any change also needs to be based on practical decisions, at least some level.

So… I’ve managed to write a bit, quite a bit, and don’t really feel that I have made any clearer what I am currently experiencing and feeling… yet I needed to write today.  I’ve been told by my guides that I may be channeling, again, in the future, but I will let that process unfold naturally and without any personal agenda.  Whatever information I bring forward is to assist those who are in the process of waking up now.  With the latest Presidential election in the States triggering a massive rise in consciousness, many will be asking questions and wondering what happened… and what is going to happen next.  I don’t foretell the future; I’m not an astrologer in this lifetime… I don’t “do” dates or feed the need to know what is about to occur; it all depends on the individual and how they react or not that determines the outcome for each person.

My view of the entire electoral process in the States that it is heavily controlled, manipulated and used as political theater to distract the masses; yes, I voted to honor the sacrifice of generations of women who strived to obtain the right to vote, that’s all. Someday, our world will be governed by those who have pure hearts, abide by a strict code of ethics and moral conduct, and carry the welfare of their people and their world always in the forefront of their consciousness.  That is not now.  Present politics and politicians are for the most part corrupt, service-to-self individuals who follow the agendas of those who are really in power, the secret government and negative alien agenda.  It will take a long while to truly overcome forces that have had command of this planet for many ages.  There is much to disclose and reveal, much to overcome and release, and that process starts with the individual person, at least those interested in rising to the occasion and becoming truly ascended, integrated light beings while embodied in physical form.  It is not for the witless, the lazy or the self-absorbed.  Seek the wisdom within and instead of pointing fingers at others, work on self, as I and countless other unknown, humble beings are doing every day.

Namaste, I bow to the divinity within each (despite what I might think about you and your actions) as all are part of the ALL THAT IS and warranted equal love and appreciation from me in reflection of the Law of One, which encompasses the wholeness of creation and all things within it.


Eliza Ayres

All Rights Reserved, Eliza Ayres, http://www.bluedragonjournal.com

8 thoughts on “Eliza: On My Wanderings, Integration & Self-Examination

  1. Dang, Elyza, you sure make sense to me. I have been working hard to listen to my Higher Self, to not look to others to lead me, and I have been feeling kind of isolated. But when I read this essay it felt like a breath for fresh air, and your words find a place in my heart–probably because like you I am practical, introspective, etc. Lately I cannot take all the strident warnings and “guidance” from different light workers or channels. I just crave silence and peace and am content to find my own way by daily decreeing my intent to merge completely with my Higher Self. I’m doing what you are doing–just being; and like you I also feel that we are in 3d for a reason and have to attend to 3d stuff, even if we don’t want to. And like you, I try to be in the world but not of it. And it’s a lot of work being intentional every minute. I fail a lot. But I just keep trying, and if I get discouraged I look back at where I have come from and can see that I have in deed made progress. One foot after another. Peace, Sister!

    • Indeed, Julie, I know that I’ve changed quite a bit in just a few months. It does take intention, concentration… and letting go of expectations at the same time. Glad you enjoyed the article!

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