Tazjma: Wrestling with Inner Darkness


Tazjma:  On Wrestling with Inner Darkness

For the past couple of months I’ve been wrestling with a bit of reactionary energy that has kept manifesting as a deep-seated anger.  Any anger is ultimately self-directed, whether or not there appears to be, as in this case, a trigger involving a now dissolved personal relationship.  And knowing that this anger is mine to deal with, no matter how any other person treated me in the near or distant past, I will deal with it in my own way.  And I deal with this sort of thing by writing.  If this bothers people, then read another blog; I make no apologies for airing my internal issues here on my personal blog.


I’ve never been one to deny my “dark” side. Although many people when first engaging with me would think me as being rather introverted, I do have an intense fiery side, stemming from a natal Aries moon.

Anger, depression and self-hatred arise when we don’t listen to our inner needs and clearly communicate our boundaries to others.  We are, unintentionally, wounding our inner child when we succumb to anger, as I did in the past few weeks due to some difficult circumstances that arose suddenly, adversely affecting my former plans.

As many of us are discovering, it isn’t wise to attempt to plan anything in these days of rapid cleansing.  Our bodies and the planet are undergoing rapid changes, both outer and inner.  Intense emotions are just another reflection of old dark energies arising from deep within our cellular structure, for release and transmutation.  Anything coming to the surface or being felt, comfortable or uncomfortable, is designed for our benefit, so that we can release.  Of course, only those individuals who are awake to the process really know what is going on; the rest of the population is confused, bewildered and even terrified of a world that appears to have suddenly gone crazy.

While directing compassion and unconditional love to self might seem contradictory, especially when someone else is involved in a conflict or misunderstanding, but it is the self that must first be healed.  The other person is responsible for their own healing.  This is the paradox of ascension… to master ascension, which is the descension (or embodiment) of the Higher Self into the physical vessel (at least during this present cycle) we must focus on self.  In mastering our own emotions and thoughts, we rise in frequency, i.e., we enhance the ability of our bodies to hold more “light”.  And in so doing, this higher vibration is translated through the entire human collective, as we are all interconnected and part of the whole, the ALL THAT IS, Source energy.  As one rises, so does the collective.  It takes pioneers to break the first steps so others may find their way forward and upward with more ease and grace.

I have also been in the process of reading Kaia Ra’s book, The Sophia Code, and just activated the sixth Sophia Code, as outlined in the text, of the Karuna Compassion of Ascended Master Quan Yin.  This compassion is directed towards the healing of the Inner Child, which in turn, heals the outer expression of self in all the bodies (physical, mental, emotional, astral/etheric).

So, realizing that this latest bout of dealing with inner “stuff” is yet another step in cutting myself free from the bonds that bind me to the artificial matrix of our erstwhile controllers, I can express my gratitude for the one who acted as a trigger and succeeded in acting in the capacity of one of my latest mentors and catalysts in moving towards complete soul liberation and integration.

If you are still around people who are unable, for any reason, to accept and love you as you are, you might consider moving on.  While I am alone right now most of the time, I have the ability to entertain myself for hours quite happily with my wanderings, photography, art work and writing, as well as copious amounts of reading… and studying the occasional map to acquaint myself with my new surroundings.  I’ve been playing Mozart all day as a means to calm myself.  Each of us is unique in our manner of coping with change.  Allow yourself to simply discover what pleases you and gives you joy and delight in unexpected moments.

Each one of us is an entirely unique individual.  Our point of view regarding our experiences will be different than those who are relatives to an individual with whom we are nominally acquainted.  Yet, you can know a person even on a relatively short exposure, as portions of that individual reflect some of your own weaknesses and strengths.  And there are some people with whom it is just too difficult or uncomfortable to be around for any length of time, due to a deep underlying incompatibility.  This is not a criticism; people are simply different, even though, ultimately we are One.  As each of us is willing to undergo our own purification and raise our own frequency through intense inner work, it will benefit the whole, reaching far beyond the individual who is making the effort.

As we strive to move beyond duality, light and dark, male and female, etc., we move gradually into Unity consciousness.  This is not an instantaneous process.

As a First Waver, born in the early 1950’s, I have been awake for a long time.  I didn’t experience a sudden spiritual awakening, but have trudged through a more gradual and lengthy process.  I have experienced many ups and downs along the way, but am glad to be here, finally able to witness the coming of real and lasting change to this world.  It makes all my efforts and those of my generation worthwhile.


Each of us is activated by different methods.  Some require the presence of a physical mentor or guide.  I prefer working with non-physical guides for personal reasons.  It just works better for me.  Even though I can be rather soft-spoken and appear to be passive on the exterior, I am not that way within, as reflected by my Aries Moon.

Allowing someone else to be a mentor or guide is okay, as long as you are allowed to come to your own conclusions without criticism and judgment AND you realize that you need to do the work yourself.  No one can do it for you, not an human guru or teacher, an Ascended Master or Archangel. Also, if you feel that you are being targeted by undeserved criticisms and the energies are less than unconditional and accepting, you might have the wrong mentor.  Decide whether or not you need to move on.  I have done this so many times, although not because of criticisms being directed towards me, but due to a deep inner feeling that it was time for me to move on.  And I have responded thus.  However, this last time I failed to do so. It took the action of someone else to get me to realize that things were not working out and that change was needed.  Whether or not planned, the fall-out of my leaving a relationship ended up on a positive note for my own well-being as I am becoming physically stronger and more creative as the days go on.

Now is the time to get real with self.  Any reaction to an experience, either recent or long in the past, which we deem as being “negative”, needs to be scrutinized and not buried under self-recrimination.  We’re human beings, emotional beings, as well as creator gods re-discovering our power to create our own world.

Many people lack the understanding about the need to integrate ALL levels of being, bringing heaven to earth by INTEGRATING Higher Self into the human vessel.  Instead, they would prefer to escape and return “home”.  Home is where your consciousness abides, wherever that might be and it is different for every initiate on the Path of Return…or The Way, as it is described in the book, The Sophia Code (author, Kaia Ra).  By being willing to surrender to Higher Self, we allow Heaven to come to Earth, through the descension of Higher Self into the physical vessel.

As we’ve been reminded frequently, ascension is NOT about escaping your humanity, but accepting it in its entirety, spots and all.  We cannot possibly be “light and love” all the time.  To pretend that you can is to deny the power of your full nature.  Now that I am endeavoring to listen to my own needs I feel more centered and relaxed, able to set my own agenda and expectations… or not.  Some days, I simply don’t do much beyond a morning walk and resting, but that is okay.

If anything can be learned from this sharing, it is to follow your own inner promptings, even if you fear in doing so you will “hurt” someone.  It is better to hurt someone so you can be free to listen and respond to your own inner voice and guidance.  We cannot live our lives through other people’s dreams or continually attempt to please another person… especially one who is dealing with their own unprocessed issues.


Ascension is not instantaneous and it isn’t an easy process.  It takes work and commitment and a willingness to resort to continual self-examination, all the while allowing for the flow of constant intuition guidance and knowing.  We have been told numerous times through channeled pieces and from experienced spiritual teachers, that everything we need in order to evolve is already contained within the divine center of our being, the ATMA (our eight original cells) located within our High Heart Center.  We all have the library card to our own Akashic records, which are stored within our own crystalline DNA.  The information garnered from thousands of lifetimes is all there; everything that we might need or use in this present embodiment.  This DNA can be activated by others, or by simply doing the activations yourself as presented in such written material as The Sophia Code.  There are many ways to participate in your own physical ascension, but it is necessary to have the willingness and commitment to do the work, no matter what arises… such as uncomfortable emotions.  It is all for a good cause and the reason we’re here now working with Gaia.

The key point is to remember to use your own discernment in determining which information resonates with you… or “feels” right, in the moment.  You may not be able to integrate information given to you by another because you haven’t reached the frequency level where it begins to make sense or gives you an “aha” moment of inner knowing and acknowledgement.  That’s okay; we each are making small steps towards integrating knowledge and knowingness, received from both inner and outer sources, but only YOU can determine what is useful NOW for you, not someone else.

And although some one may advertise themselves as a spiritual healer, but anything and everything they have to offer may not suit you at all… and that’s okay.  Do not judge yourself against the lauded accomplishments of another person, especially when they make a point to constantly announce to the world or those who care to listen just how evolved they are.  A truly powerful person doesn’t need to advertise their accomplishments; they simply are present, quietly and without fanfare.

You will know through your own dealings with your “team” and inner knowing, that the process towards integration of Higher Self is a continuing process, one that never lets up.

This morning I woke up and realized that kundalini energy was running through my spine so I went immediately into a meditation, utilizing the energy and requesting a download from Metatron for the integration and release of any stuck energy in my bodies.  Our guides are there for us and will respond instantly to our requests, but it takes awareness and commitment to keep the work up even when our physical bodies are weary from all the demands that this adjustment entails.

Ascension and the integration of Higher Self is designed to take some time as the intense energies of the higher frequency levels would blow your circuits if taken too quickly.  In the past, individuals have been injured by unexpected intense kundalini flows.  Now, these flows can be monitored by self and adjusted by your mentors if you are consciously working with one… such as an Archangel or Ascended Master.


Most of us have actually moved beyond the need for a physical guru, teacher or mentor and are now ready to work with our own higher essence, for the highest and best good for all concerned.  If you are not already aware of this… the Archangels and Ascended Masters ARE your Higher Self, so, in effect, you are working with you while working with these heavenly collective essences.

Lastly, I am aware that significant persons who enter my life can be, at times, mirroring for me an aspect of self that requires healing or resolution.  Many times, a person may be acting as a trigger that allows for the revelation of an ancient wound that requires healing, as has been the case for me in the recent past.  I have now become aware of this ancient anger (which has little to do with what is taking place in my present lifetime) and can now work with to further integrate that essence within.  I honor all persons who enter my life thusly for the purpose of being a teacher on my path towards self-discovery.  It is not always possible or desirable to keep such persons in your life, but as you evolve, the sort of person that is attracted will depend on the level of frequency that you, yourself, have attained.  As you change, your companions will change.  It is simply the way of these intense energies and nothing to be ashamed or angry about.  Release the shame and dismay as these sometimes unexpected changes in direction come about; it is the new way of being… being willing to adjust and surrender to the needs of the Higher Self that doesn’t always agree with the conditioned responses of our human egos.

The ability to change, adapt and adjust to the rapidly intensifying energies is now a must…for survival.  Only those who can make such an effort to undergo rapid transformation will be able to manage the changes with some degree of grace and ease and even then there will still be some physical discomfort involved, as our bodies are undergoing a radical stage of evolution and it is no simple matter to undergo.  So, be kind to yourself and to others.  Direct your compassion and unconditional love to self and as your bodies fill with these heavenly energies, the energy will overflow to those who are around you, bringing blessings and healings to all.



© All Rights Reserved, Eliza Ayres, www.bluedragonjournal.com and https://sunnysjournal.com


Photo Credits:  from Princess Place Preserve and Washington Oaks Gardens State Park, Flagler County, Florida; photos by Eliza Ayres

21 thoughts on “Tazjma: Wrestling with Inner Darkness

  1. A heart thank-you, Eliza, with a heart thank-you hug. I’d wondered why you cut your hair, and like the ascension path, hair (and we) grow back to what it once was (is)! Love to you, we sing much the same Kumara song. B.

    • Yes… I’m already growing out the hair. First back to a blunt bob and then shoulder length. It won’t take long. And yes to Kumaras. There was even an attempt to sneer at that connection…

      • Eliza, have you read Tom Kenyon’s and Judy Sion’s, The Arcturian Anthology? This book gave me the confidence I needed (and need) to carry on in the Kumara tradition….. Blessings to you, too. B.

      • No, I haven’t, Barbara. Another book to add to my lengthening reading list. Thanks!

  2. Hello Eliza  I have been reading and enjoying your posts and photos for while now, but have never communicated with you before. I am interested in what you said below: “This individual was mirroring for me an aspect of unresolved karmic material that I have now become aware of and can work with to further integration that essence within.”

    I too am going through something similar with a person who is triggering abandonment issues for me big time. I know that we are members of the same soul group who have been together in one way or another in many past lives, and I know that we have unresolved karma between us around the subject of abandonment and betrayal. What I don’t know is how to work with it to integrate it within, as you mention above. I wonder if you can offer me any pointers in this respect or suggested reading etc? Many thanks Karen Woods 

    • Email me at: bluedragonjournal@gmail.com
      I can give you reading suggestions. Betrayal, abandonment and being used as an energy source is a common theme for the evolving empath and sensitive light workers. You’re definitely not alone. Blessings, Eliza

  3. Thank you so much for this article and update. I can certainly relate. Much love to you both for being there/ here sharing our journey. In joy. Deb

  4. Sorry to hear things didn’t work with M. Thanks for mentioning  the Sophie  code. Reading it too. Mark  ps. Retired from corrections too.

    Sent from my Galaxy Tab® S2

    • Mark, what state did you work in? I’m glad to be out of prison (!) but it was interesting work and I learned a lot about human psychology there, as well. About M… well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be after all. More on my part now than hers. I can forgive, but will not forget lessons learned.

  5. Dear Eliza,
    Once again, thank you for your openness and honesty. I wondered about M at the time. I was not attracted to her blogs, so didn’t watch. I am glad you are free, and learning.
    Keep up your growing and sharing, including your art. apparently this is the time to develop your creativity!
    Love and Light,

  6. Dear one, I have, at times, carried for much too long the sort of anger I feel reading your words. What got me out of it was (1) Byron Katie’s questionnaire (free — on her website) (to me very powerful about getting very very real about my own %%$$^*^%!) (2) gritting my (Aries SunMercMars) teeth and sending blessings to the person for the lessons (3) a quote I read in the last 6 mos or so that just made me laugh at my own silly self… depending on the source, it’s something to the effect of, “Not forgiving — holding on to anger — bitterness — is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
    lots of love to you — and I personally LOVE seeing your wondrous paintings.

  7. Hi Eliza,
    “You will know through your own dealings with your “team” and inner knowing, that the process towards integration of Higher Self is a continuing process, one that never lets up.”
    And the journey continues!!!!
    As for forgiving self…..you are beyond that……Just observe and move forward.
    Just beleive that, what is your heart’s desire, is up next!!!

    • Oddly enough, Michael, this morning I feel calm and clear. The anger of such it was became a vehicle for permanently freeing me from a situation that wasn’t healthy for me. Forgiveness for everyone is already here, but I am moving on deep into a creative path of my own inner guidance, day by day…as you said an observer of the energies as they play out.

  8. Such wise words spoken with honesty and integrity. Lovely to hear your feeling peaceful and nourished now. Thank you for mentioning the Sophia Code. Am using a Sophia Essence made by a lady in England, so immediately ordered the book.

  9. Dear Eliza, thanks a lot again for sharing so clear and bare your inner movements and upheavals with so much integrity and love and understanding. This story really touched me but I also had to laugh, purely from recognition! It is heartwarmingly shocking and hilarious at the same time. In reading I could release some of my own anger towards someone I happen to love as well. To me you had a wonderful experience and in sharing this I could see an unresolved piece of shadow within me. So much Love to you!! Thanks a lot!!

    • Jet, I can’t seem to help myself in being honest and open about my “adventures”. Meanwhile, still working on forgiving, letting go and moving on. When my thoughts turn to criticism now, I gently redirect and let them go. The ego has sought to defend me and now it’s my job to rise above the experience and integrate the lessons learned. Blessings to you, as well.

Leave a Reply to Barbara Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.