Journal Entry 01.15.2016 – “Chicken Soup”
For the last couple of days, I’ve been staying home attempting to rest some more as the cough and fatigue are lingering and being at work all day is stressful. With the long holiday weekend ahead, I thought my physical condition would improve with some more time resting. That was my intention, anyway.
Yesterday, I was unable to sleep in the morning much beyond my normal waking time, 4:30 a.m. My body felt wired, like the energy was going crazy outside and I was responding to it, unconsciously. Later in the day, I managed to take a one-hour nap. I seem to prefer to be unconscious, so my body can continue to heal at its own speed. Last night I slept 10 hours and woke up still feeling tired. My dreams were quite extensive and colorful.
Also yesterday, I experienced an up welling of old emotional trauma, deeply hidden from childhood, as I was disappointed when a friend’s promise to connect me was unfulfilled. It felt like a replaying of an old betrayal originally committed by my mother. Or at least that is how I chose to interpret the feeling of being left behind or forgotten, once again, without any explanation or apology.
It may not seem much to some people, but as a child our family moved a couple of times. For two short years, we lived in Alaska, then a very wild land, full of raw, untamed wilderness and wild animals. It was a great shock to move to a very different state, California. Upon moving into our home on the first night, my mother promised to come in and look after me before going to bed. I waited for what seemed hours and mother never came. I never forgot that betrayal of my trust and her apparent lack of love for me at the time. It was a wound that never was healed.
As an adult, I expect people to keep promises or to at least inform me when they are unable to follow through with a scheduled event or date.
I can forgive my mother. I can forgive my friend of her lapse, intentional or not. She was busy; I understand that. What I do not understand is the lack of communication since.
Obviously I am working on some deeply hidden trauma, as I said above. My friend is merely a reminder, a trigger, a teacher, allowing me to bring forth this old hurt and allow it to heal in the light. I can forgive myself for allowing my younger self to feel the hurt of abandonment and feeling less than deserving of a parent’s love and attention. I chose my parents before coming into embodiment. The lessons that I learned through the years spent in their company taught me many things, about life and about my own capacity to grow through experience and pain.
It is said that we have moved out of 3D, but there still seems to be some collective energies, as well as individual ones that need to be cleared, transmuted and transformed in the light. Pain is not the teacher anymore; love is. To open up and to be vulnerable in the face of others takes great courage and stamina. Not everyone is willing to expose their inner most weaknesses before the world.
In facing my inner darkness and apparent weaknesses, I have discovered great courage and steadfastness. I know that I do not need others to make me feel fulfilled and needed or loved, but I choose now to open my heart to include others in my life, as I am tired of being alone. Now, I need to let go of the last vestiges of lack of self-love that appear to occupy some dusty corners within my tender heart. And I need to allow others to become aware of my feelings, even if I’m not completely comfortable with them myself.
As a long-time warrior, it isn’t easy to lay aside the shield of protection and to open oneself to being or accepting love. Be patient with me as I stagger through the steps of becoming fully myself in front of the world.
I feel sad and pensive today. Perhaps it is a reflection of what is going on in the world, perhaps not. The energies are intensifying, stripping each of us of the ability to keep up a false mask before others. I choose to let go and just accept myself as I am now, sensitive at one moment, detached in another.
I did comfort myself by brewing up some homemade chicken soup, something good for the soul as well as the stomach. Slightly salty, filled with chicken, vegetables, homemade broth, basmati rice, herbs, garlic, ginger and a dash of cooking sherry, the soup warmed my belly nicely and there is more to savor for the rest of the weekend.
It is all we can do, to come into an acceptance of what and who we are, as well as to allow that understanding to expand as we receive more light (information). Love is sometimes harder to allow in… especially for one who isn’t always entirely convinced that she deserves it. So, again, patience, dear ones… I’m doing my best to open that reluctant heart and be a fully grounded Spirit Being in the flesh as it were.
I started to read “Medicine Medium”, a book about a man with a mission to heal people, something I have always wanted to be able to do.
Blessings to all, on this day half way through the month of January already…