Journal Entry 01.13.2016 – Struggling


Journal Entry 01.13.2016 – Struggling

This past week, I’ve been slowly recovering from my bout with bronchitis, or as a friend described it, a re-calibration as a result of a major high heart chakra opening.
Whatever is going on my energy is low; I fatigue easily, still have a tremendous cold and cough occasionally. The fevers have departed, but I’m still waking up with night sweats, clammy and damp. This morning I had to take yet another hot shower just to wash off the icky dampness and to clear my sinuses of some of the mucus.

Nothing about ascension or the process of changing the body seems easy to me. Reading other people’s burbs about how joyful they feel makes me want to throw-up in disgust.

For some moments, when I’m in such a mood, I feel like I’ve missed the boat, then I read the post of another person who is feeling somewhat like me and feel relieved. I’m not the only one to be experiencing the shittier parts of the ongoing changes. See:

Well-meaning folks have sent their favorite remedies and so on in hopes of helping, but this kind of “help” just drives the darkness within into a resentful corner where it prefers to sulk. It’s a little too late for ginger tea when you have a temperature of 102F and so on.

Actually, most of my adult life has been one of the enduring great physical challenges, beginning with mononucleosis in college and then chronic fatigue syndrome as an older adult. I have never had the physical stamina other people just accepted as being their right and privilege. True, I haven’t suffered a major disease such as cancer, but feeling fatigued most of the time puts an edge on one’s ability to enjoy life and living.

In recent years, I’ve had to curb most of my hiking activities and stopped backpacking as it was too exhausting for me to continue. I hope when retirement arrives, I will have an opportunity to begin to slowly build up my physical health, as well as continuing with the upgrades and re-calibrations as the ascension energies continue to build.

Another thing that I’ve noticed, especially this past week, was that my heart didn’t really feel open, despite the recent readjustment in my chakra field. I’ve been actually feeling quite numb and detached from people. Then, also this morning, I read a piece from Judith Kusel, about how those who have suffered great trauma in past lives can feel numb in this one until the ancient trauma energy is fully cleared. Since I’ve had many lifetimes as a male and as a warrior, it might be something to work on further, perhaps with another person as a neutral guide. I do tend to tough things out on my own quite a bit, but sometimes assistance is a good thing.

So… I’m not perfect, but I’m human, like everyone else on the planet, star seed or not. I do know that I am a star seed, but I still have to deal with the after-effects of lifetimes spent here in a heavy density, low-frequency plane.


Keep in mind that we are all clearing (hopefully) scads of miasma that has been created by the misdeeds, conscious or unconsciousness, of humanity and its controllers perpetrated most especially through the last 5,500 years. The false gods who “landed” here and took over, reprogramming our genetics and dropping humanity from 12 strands of DNA to two so we could be effectively energetically enslaved, have kept humanity from the knowledge of its Cosmic origins. Bits and pieces of that amazing history are beginning to leak out if you read alternative news sources and watch the programs of Graham Hancock and other scientific pioneers who are venturing out beyond the accepted norms in archaeology and history.

There is so much to look forward to, but I will still need to keep on working on myself. I committed to this task when I signed on for a tour of duty. Although I was recently told that as a First Waver, I can consider myself “retired” now, I still feel a need to strive to change, to be aware of my thoughts and to adjust my attitude when I find myself getting cranky.

In the last three working days, I’ve managed to go to work full-time, once again, although my energy levels are far from 100%. Still, a good part of my job is done sitting down so I can manage it. And we have another long weekend coming up with Martin Luther King Jr.’s Day on Monday.

When I remember, I run energies, especially the Violet Flame and Unconditional Love. I’ve also done Reiki on myself. My cats have been especially attentive, cuddling while we’ve taken naps or sleeping at night.

At work, people are also getting the word out that I will be retiring this spring. I don’t look my age – never have – so some are in disbelief that I’m as physically old as I claim to be. What is one supposed to look like when over 60 years of age? I guess it depends on genetics. I can thank my mother for my thick hair and smooth complexion (from the English genes) and my grandmother for longevity.

So, I’m slowly recovering, day by day, but this will take a while. The arrival of warmer weather will help, but right now the temperatures outside have been hovering in the upper 20’s, at least until today. Now we have a bit of warm rain, from another Pacific front moving through. The mountains are getting a heavy dump of snow, good news for skiers, farmers and water districts.

Sometimes our process doesn’t appear to be smooth and without a struggle, but that doesn’t lessen the value of the experience. It is important to keep remembering that each of us is a unique being and therefore our process will be as unique an expression as we are of Source energy. It is all valuable. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and accept your differences, without seeking to compare yourself to that of others.

So, tired and a little grumpy, but slowly recovering, I am here, enjoying a quiet evening, grateful to be alive and learning about myself and my process.

By the way, my dreams of late have been quite long and complicated. I’ve had monkeys, snakes, horses and bicycles in them, as well as castles and gardens. I’ve wandered through my dream trying to find just the right outfit for a party that is already going on and have been left behind by my family members when I went outside to play with a little monkey. What these things mean, I haven’t any idea.

I hope others are doing well, despite the challenges put before us to transcend as we enter further into this challenging New Year.


Eliza Ayres


Photo Credits:  “Monkey Mind Food” – Various Banana trees in Costa Rica, all by Eliza

12 thoughts on “Journal Entry 01.13.2016 – Struggling

  1. Oh, Eliza, I completely understand. I had mono followed by chronic fatigue syndrome and a puny immune system. I get it. I had rotator cuff repair last spring and then this fall another tear in the repaired cuff and also in the other shoulder! Lots of high level unmanaged pain as I cannot tolerate anti-inflammatory drugs. And I am still waiting for surgery on the one shoulder so I can rehab and then have surgery on the other shoulder. The unmanaged pain, limited mobility, and waiting to get on a surgery schedule have taken its toll since last fall. Have dropped 20 lbs from pain and stress and finally started an anti-anxiety Rx today as I have to be able to eat reasonably again. I felt guilty about having to take the med–don’t want to–but the weight loss is getting serious and apparently this is something I have not been able to clear yet. I evidently have more work to do yet but this body needs some nutrition to be able to hold up to the task, so I did what I thought I had to do under the circumstances. It is what it is. I hope you feel better soon. I understand.

    • Oh, Julie – my “problems” pale in comparison to yours. Losing weight would be a god-send; I’m carrying too much, but anchoring the light in a low frequency area / job right now. I wish you much healing and blessings for what you are enduring. Shoulder injuries are very disabling. I used to work as a licensed massage therapist and dealt with many related injuries mostly stemming from sports injuries or motor vehicle accidents. It takes a while for the tissues to heal and with surgery, there is sometimes unfortunate consequences as the tendons, etc. never quite work the same as before. Medical science needs to improve greatly, even in orthopaedics. Thanks for understanding about the immune system issues, which I have suffered through most of my life here, just one of the consequences of coming in with a much higher frequency than the rest of the planet. If I didn’t have a strong constitution I would have perished long ago. Love, Eliza

  2. So glad to hear you are starting to feel better! I think you will notice a difference once you retire…. made a HUGE difference to my energy fields. I seemed to get so many bugs & energy junk from the clients & other staff where i worked ( I was a nurse for 40 yrs). No matter how much protection I put around me, just being there , i picked up so much! Now, I pretty much stay in my own little world, venturing out when I feel like it or at least can plan the outings better. My old boss has been trying to lure me back, I am finally doing something that is way more in alignment with my higher self, more creative, more alone time. As much as I thought i enjoyed my job, I don’t miss it at all. Being away from it has shown me that. I also thought that I would be travelling when I retired, but seems that I have created a space that I don’t need a holiday from! My higher self is keeping me pretty grounded right here, & I’m totally OK with that. Who knew I was such a Homebody!!!!!
    Much Love & Light to you!!!!

  3. Thank you, Eliza. What a gift your blogs are. I thank you in particular for this one. I often experience monkey mind, especially at night, along with a lingering deep cough, and several other signs and symptoms similar to yours. And, it can be easy to compare oneself with others who write about their extraordinary shift, and abiding feelings of love, connection to spirit, and bliss. Thank you for sharing what you have about these aspects of the ascension process. I take heart in your words and am deeply appreciative.

  4. I got a great belly laugh from your comment about how when people talk about how joyful they are it makes you want to throw up in disgust! I feel that way all the time! My journey has been so extremely dark and painful, that when so many go on and on about how easy and joyful it is, it makes me feel dark and failed and separate. And I’ve had such extreme trauma in this life and past, that I also struggle with that numb, shut down heart, and inability to feel joy and happiness and oneness, except to cry.
    I appreciate so much that you “tell the truth” about what you a going through and how hard it is, and I think you help so any others in doing so, in knowing they are not alone in their struggles! Bless you, Eliza.

  5. Eliza!
    You MUST order the digital copy of MEDICAL MEDIUM! Mononucleosis is stage 2 of the Epstein Barr Virus and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is actually stage 4 of EBV! It’s a short book but it will change your life. There is a cure, it’s holistic but who would want anything else? This book JUST fell into my lap. I am in stage 3 of the EBV. Curing myself as we speak. Anthony William writes about his guidance by Spirit of these unknown maladies such as Chronic Fatigue, Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Hashimotos & Fibromyalgia….ALL different forms of the Epstein Barr Virus! ALL can be cured holistically. The book itself is fascinating. I read it in one sitting. Namaste.

    • Thank you for this recommendation, Shawna. I’ve been dealing with this issue for a long time. It would be great to heal it permanently. 0X0X

      • Of course! I hope you find permanent healing!
        I happy to share my quest for wellness if you’re ever interested.
        Love and Light ✨

  6. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Theses recalibrations really can kick ass! I just had a conversation with a friend two days ago stating I am getting tired of feeling like I’m missing something important in this moment because I’m not filled with joy, peace, and a feeling of oneness. Mostly, I’m sad, angry, crabby, weary, and have decreased patience with people. I’m tired of feeling tired? Thanks for sharing. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. Sending you healing energy!

  7. Reblogged this on Blue Dragon Journal and commented:

    My! How life has changed! I’ve been retired for nearly two years now and am (literally) a different person. My older readers will understand and comprehend the last statement…

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