Journal Entry 01.13.2016 – Struggling
This past week, I’ve been slowly recovering from my bout with bronchitis, or as my friend, Maria, described it, a re-calibration as a result of a major high heart chakra opening.
Whatever is going on my energy is low; I fatigue easily, still have a tremendous cold and cough occasionally. The fevers have departed, but I’m still waking up with night sweats, clammy and damp. This morning I had another hot shower just to wash off the icky dampness and to clear my sinuses of some of the mucus.
Nothing about ascension or the process of changing the body seems easy to me. Reading other people’s burbs about how joyful they feel makes me want to throw-up in disgust.
For some moments, when I’m in such a mood, I feel like I’ve missed the boat, then I read the post of another person who is feeling somewhat like me and feel relieved. I’m not the only one to be experiencing the shittier parts of the ongoing changes. See:
Well-meaning folks have sent their favorite remedies and so on in hopes of helping, but this kind of “help” just drives the darkness within into a resentful corner where it prefers to sulk. It’s a little too late for ginger tea when you have a temperature of 102F and so on.
Actually most of my adult life has been one of enduring great physical challenges, beginning with mononucleosis in college and then chronic fatigue syndrome as an older adult. I have never had the physical stamina other people just accepted as being their right and privilege. True, I haven’t suffered a major disease such as cancer, but feeling fatigued most of the time puts an edge on one’s ability to enjoy life and living.
In recent years, I’ve had to curb most of my hiking activities and stopped backpacking as it was too exhausting for me to continue. I hope when retirement arrives, I will have an opportunity to begin to slowly build up my physical health, as well as continuing with the upgrades and re-calibrations as the ascension energies continue to build.
Another thing that I’ve noticed, especially this past week, was that my heart didn’t really feel open, despite the recent readjustment in my chakra field. I’ve been actually feeling quite numb and detached from people. Then, also this morning, I read a piece from Judith Kusel, about how those who have suffered great trauma in past lives can feel numb in this one until the ancient trauma energy is fully cleared. Since I’ve had many lifetimes as a male and as a warrior, it might be something to work on further, perhaps with another person as a neutral guide. I do tend to tough things out on my own quite a bit, but sometimes assistance is a good thing.
So… I’m not perfect, but I’m human, like everyone else on the planet, star seed or not. I do know that I am a star seed, but I still have to deal with the after effects of lifetimes spent here in a heavy density, low frequency plane.
Keep in mind that we are all clearing (hopefully) scads of miasma that has been created by the misdeeds, conscious or unconsciousness, of humanity and its controllers perpetrated most especially through the last 5,500 years. The false gods who “landed” here and took over, reprogramming our genetics and dropping humanity from 12 strands of DNA to two so we could be effectively energetically enslaved, have kept humanity from the knowledge of its Cosmic origins. Bits and pieces of that amazing history are beginning to leak out if you read alternative news sources and watch the programs of Graham Hancock and other scientific pioneers who are venturing out beyond the accepted norms in archaeology and history.
There is so much to look forward to, but I will still need to keep on working on myself. I committed to this task when I signed on for a tour of duty. Although I was recently told that as a First Waver, I can consider myself “retired” now, I still feel a need to strive to change, to be aware of my thoughts and to adjust my attitude when I find myself getting cranky.
In the last three working days, I’ve managed to go to work full-time, once again, although my energy levels are far from 100%. Still, a good part of my job is done sitting down, so I can manage it. And we have another long weekend coming up with Martin Luther King Jr.’s Day on Monday.
When I remember, I run energies, especially the Violet Flame and Unconditional Love. I’ve also done Reiki on myself. My cats have been especially attentive, cuddling while we’ve taken naps or sleeping at night.
At work, people are also getting the word out that I will be retiring this spring. I don’t look my age – never have – so some are in disbelief that I’m as physically old as I claim to be. What is one supposed to look like when over 60 years of age? I guess it depends of genetics. I can thank my mother for my thick hair and smooth complexion (from the English genes) and my grandmother for longevity.
So, I’m slowly recovering, day by day, but this will take a while. The arrival of warmer weather will help, but right now the temperatures outside have been hovering in the upper 20’s, at least until today. Now we have a bit of warm rain, from another Pacific front moving through. The mountains are getting a heavy dump of snow, good news for skiers, farmers and water districts.
Sometimes our process doesn’t appear to be smooth and without struggle, but that doesn’t lessen the value of the experience. It is important to keep remembering that each of us is a unique being and therefore our process will be as unique an expression as we are of Source energy. It is all valuable. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and accept your differences, without seeking to compare yourself to that of others.
So, tired and a little grumpy, but slowly recovering, I am here, enjoying a quiet evening, grateful to be alive and learning about myself and my process.
By the way, my dreams of late have been quite long and complicated. I’ve had monkeys, snakes, horses and bicycles in them, as well as castles and gardens. I’ve wandered through my dream trying to find just the right outfit for a party that is already going on and have been left behind by my family members when I went outside to play with a little monkey. What these things mean, I haven’t any idea.
I hope others are doing well, despite the challenges put before us to transcend as we enter further into this challenging New Year.
Photo Credits: “Monkey Mind Food” – Various Banana trees in Costa Rica, all by Eliza