Eliza: In the Void
The process of continuing to release everything of the old continues. Right now, I feel rather like I am within a complete void. Nothing makes sense any more. I am letting loose the old labels of way shower, light worker, anchor of light and everything else that I’ve identified with in the last several years. I do not resonate to any of it anymore and it would appear that little which I write now resonates with many people either, at least those who are still seeking answers from others “out there”.
Should I continue to write?
If I go within, the answer is “Yes!” So, I will continue to write for myself even if no one else cares to read my work. This is a very individual process that each of us is currently undergoing. I can only speak to what I am feeling and doing as I respond to the moment.
In response to this current feeling of being out of the flow of what appears to be happening, I am suspending any plans to leave my job and move to Costa Rica in the near future. Yesterday, and indeed in the past couple of weeks, I have come to realize that I have been, again, following the dream of another. It does not matter if they claim to be a soul sister or brother. If it is their dream and not your own, you are still being untrue to your own journey.
It would seem a bit selfish of me perhaps in light that I could possibly help others on their journey, but this dream was not one that emerged from my own heart. And so I walk alone, again, in a void.
What prompted this change of heart was concern about my furry friends. I could not contemplate carrying them off to a foreign land as both are of senior age and it would be very stressful for them. Never mind that the move would also be stressful for me. Being of a particularly sensitive nature as I am, I do not respond well to huge changes.
I have discovered a great pocket of inner resistance within myself to the idea of moving to Central America. It is what it is. One can give it a label and declare that I’m afraid or resistant to change, but that’s not how I feel. I was contemplating doing something that just does not resonate with my inner being and need to respect the feeling for what it is, my intuition telling me that this direction is NOT the one for me to follow, now. Perhaps later, but not now.
I went to Costa Rica because I bought non-refundable tickets in response to some things that I was told by another person. Having spent a considerable amount of money for my tight budget, I was committed to the journey. Before two days passed during the trip, my original plans were completely changed, through the influence of yet another person. It was an interesting trip, but left me feeling unfulfilled as I did not get to see as much as I had wanted to after I got there.
I felt uncomfortable in Costa Rica not being conversant in Spanish, but it was more than that obvious limitation. I did not resonate with the degree of extreme poverty that I witnessed in Costa Rica. The contrasts between rich and poor there are huge. And the presence of rich Gringos, primarily living in gated communities or staying in exclusive resorts also did not resonate with me.
I would like to travel more and understand that part of my apparent discomfort stemmed from a lack of planning on my part, as well as a tendency to give in to the whims of my charming traveling companion. So, I intend to study more languages so I can feel more at ease when I travel and plan a bit more the next time I venture forth from the borders of my known world. The same understanding can apply to stepping forth into worlds that you cannot see with your physical eyes. There, the knowledge of how to navigate exists within. One can only access that inner wisdom by letting go of expectations. The contrast between physical travel and inner travel couldn’t be more different, but in some ways they are the same. One is stepping out of the known and into the unknown or rather, the still to be remembered. It takes courage to do both. Both methods of “travel” expand one’s horizons and awareness of the world, whether inner or outer.
Before I went to Costa Rica, I thought of the possibility of settling there in my retirement. Now, however, having been there, I find it doesn’t suit. Perhaps some other part of the world will resonate more… I have a standing invitation to go to France. The ancient and modern cities of Europe might appeal more if I can discover a way to live there on a strict budget. I can at least go and see what does resonate and what does not. I may discover that I become quite the rover, ever seeking and never finding. I feel no loyalty to place any more, just to my animals as they are my family right now.
Am I being a traitor to my own heart? I don’t think so. When I let go of these plans yesterday, my heart lifted immediately like I let go of a burden that wasn’t mine to keep. All I can do is respond to how I feel, not what is desired of me or for me by others.
Last night as I attempted to go to sleep with the boom and crackle of fireworks resounding in my ears, I called on the Angels. They responded immediately, “We are ever with you!” And indeed they are. I no longer feel that they are “out there” but have integrated into my awareness. I do not feel I need to channel their messages which, at least these days, have a tendency to be more personal and supportive in nature. They are simply letting me know that I am not alone even though I am currently on a physically solo journey.
As I have said before in my writings, I do not want to be a guru or teacher for anyone. I need to follow my own inner compass even if it leads into places where others would prefer not to go.
I shall continue to write, if only to express my current feelings, but am letting go the need to please anyone else. So the stats on my blog are falling. It no longer matters to me. So what I have to write is apparently not of any relevance to anyone else. It does not matter to me. I am what I am. I am becoming more of my Self even as each moment allows for greater integration and assimilation of my higher essence.
I even have looked at a couple of unfinished paintings in my little art corner and expressed an interest to explore that area of expression once more. I am returning to myself and to my Self. It is all that one can manage in these days of tremendous change in the outer world.
I see myself as a tiny pool of calm within a crazy world. What goes on “out there” is of little concern to me now. How I feel within does matter. I am the creator of my own world. Eventually, perhaps, others will arrive who share my dream because it is theirs, also. Meanwhile, I will continue on as I am, exploring my inner world solo. Perhaps someday I will discover that I’ve been walking in a parallel path with another and then we can both walk together, if it suits in the Now. Meanwhile, I am not going to define myself with any labels or purpose that may have come before. The Void is actually a good place to be and one in which I shall immerse myself come the day when I drop this physical vessel and step into new worlds beyond this one.
I AM Eliza