Journal Entry 02.15.2014
Okay, I confess, I wasn’t feeling the love yesterday on Valentine’s Day. For me at least it’s awkward dealing with human “holidays” and expectations when I KNOW that being love doesn’t mean anything close to what is accepted by most in my everyday world.
I live alone. This is due to circumstance and personal choice. I’ve had opportunity to hook up with a partner in more than one instance, but every time I had “felt” a really strong resistance emanating from my body telling me without prevarication, “NO!” Okay all ready… I’m a Libra and according to popular notions of said creatures, I’m supposed to be Ms. Partnership and involved in all kinds of relationships.
Sorry, not me. For a really long time I have craved being alone. For me, the time I can be on my own, whether outside or at home, has become sacred and precious. Since I work a full-time job in a naturally stressful environment, it has also become a necessity for me to be able to ground and connect with my higher essence, with my inner strength and knowing.
I do love people, but I am recognizing that this love is not necessarily a “personal” love. I feel compassion for individuals I met but it does not mean that I am meant to engage with them in any manner other than to work with energies. I am an empath, so I feel what they are feeling but now I chose not to take on the pain of others, but to discover who I AM truly, in my fullness.
Yes, I realize that others are a part of me, but at the same time there is a growing understanding that it is not necessary, indeed, not appropriate for me to engage closely through a need to “heal” the pain of others.
For a long time as a young adult when I was first waking up to the realization that I was different than most people around me, I wanted to be a “healer.” At the time, I didn’t realize just how odd I was in our modern world. I was delighted to feel the energies move through my body, but also painfully aware of the resistance that my explorations was bringing up in my husband. I could not identify with the real fears that he was experiencing and eventually had to cut myself free from the relationship. I was convinced that he didn’t “love” me, especially since he allowed me to leave. He couldn’t do anything else due to his own repressed feelings in regards to love and intimacy. And some ten years after his sudden and untimely death from cancer, he became one of my spiritual guides.
This was verified for me by a well-known medium who saw my husband as being extremely sorry for his misunderstanding and fear that put a barrier between us. And I have missed him terribly since our divorce. If we were not good mates, we were good friends, but too different in our outlook and experiences to make a go of it in the form of a traditional marriage.
I’ve often wondered what is wrong with me that I could not be a good, loving, giving, generous wife to a lovely man. Now I realize that by being dealt the hand that I have, I’ve become a stronger person, more aware of my strengths and gifts than I ever would have had I remained submerged in an unhappy alliance. I have come to realize that I have gifts and abilities that require having some down time in which to hone my awareness, in order that I might trust myself more implicitly. By trust and self I really mean that I have been working, mostly unconsciously but consistently on creating a relationship between my human awareness and my angelic Self, my Higher Self, if you will.
For a very long time, I have had a very conscious relationship with Archangel Michael. I have never channeled his presence, I just “knew” and accepted that he had a place in my life. And recently, in the Timeline Clearing that I have written about, I found out or as I put it, had verified for me that I am a part of Michael’s legions. Many light workers are embodied angels, as well as having also experienced lifetimes and connections with intergalactic cultures, as well as cosmic and universal lives. We are so much more than our rational mind can comprehend that it is almost laughable. And we so want to deny this reality even when it is staring us in the face… but the evolutionary spirit within us all desires to move forward and so we strive to let go of our misgivings and fears and embrace the light that is approaching, like a great wave, to engulf us in its magical essence.
If I had chosen to live in an aboriginal culture in this lifetime, I would probably have received shamanic training such were my gifts of sensitivity and empathy, but not now. This is a pivotal time of creation, a time of transition between two extremely different paradigms, so the ancestor spirit has been lodged in the body of a white female, living on Turtle Island amidst the sea of change, alone and unpartnered, at least for the time being.
The path that I have been on most of my life has been one of living through the memories of past lives, of being a warrior, a shaman, a Druid, a priest / priestess, a soldier, the wives of Scottish knights, Roman generals and Japanese shogun, an Indian dancer, a wild roving sailor and so many other strange lifetimes… like the weaving of a great tapestry, drawing out of each a bit more knowledge and experience, opportunities to anchor the light, play the mad king and the destructive general…all for the sake of expanding soul knowledge and wisdom. Now all these lifetimes have culminated in this seemingly insignificant one, but one in which I can gather up what I know within like a ball of yarn and begin to weave a new tapestry, one filled with light and love, where the fears and barriers that have existed in past lives are now broken and overcome.
Never discount your life experiences as being insignificant. If you can understand that even if you don’t seem to fit into the world, that you don’t match the expectations of friends, family or “society” you are still meant to be here. By being willing to step out and be different, by striving to understand what exists within and in the many layers of our multidimensional self, we are anchoring the light here. We are making a difference in the world, even though we may not fully understand the true extent and purpose for being.
My mission is different than other peoples’ simply because I am different and unique. That is not to imply that I am better or more gifted; “just” a unique facet of the Diamond Mind of the Creator. I am just a singular note of frequency in a symphony of light, but a note without which the whole would not be complete… and so are YOU, dear one.
So, I have let go of that very human craving for a partner to make me whole. I am learning to embrace my own inner wholeness, to become intimately acquainted with the Self within. This past night, I spent communicating with Higher Self and feeling intense waves of kundalini energy move through my body. I was stiff and sore upon waking but despite the pain involved, I am grateful for the developing relationship that I have with my Self. It is a precious thing, a sacred relationship that I know I could not, would not have been able to embrace while living with a husband and family. So, being alone, for me, has truly been worth the real loneliness and angst… which I know I can release fully now without regret.
People forget that pain is a teacher, not one that is necessarily pleasant, but certainly is persistent. When the lesson is finally embodied, the pain dissipates like the mirage it always was… it was a real manifestation of our own fears and resistance to allowing the energies to flow without impediment through our bodies, blocked by our own misunderstandings and belief systems. We can move beyond the need to experience pain as our teacher and now embrace love, real love, the power of creation that transcends, transforms and enlightens the darkness that we have feared to face, our own miscreations, misunderstandings, shame and self-hatred and self-judgment.
We are here, all of us, to make a difference, and in our growing awareness of our unity, we are making a difference, but it is still step by step for some. Allow yourself time alone and find the nurturing spirit that exists within that will fill up an heart empty and craving for love. You are love and the flow of love to you from Spirit is endless and as you allow the love to flow into your bodies, it will overflow and flow into the world beyond.
We are connected in so many ways, many still untapped and unrealized, but there is a growing sense and desire within all living creatures to embrace the love that our full essence wishes to express. Let the love flow, first into your own heart and when you are ready, share it with the world. And you will know, really, really “know” that you are Love and have always been so.
I AM Eliza, your sistar in love and light; Namaste.
All Rights Reserved, Elizabeth Ayres Escher, http://www.bluedragonjournal.com