Eliza: The Pain of the Warrior


Eliza: The Pain of the Warrior

There are tears of understanding flowing down my cheeks right now. I have arrived at a profound understanding of at least a part of what I have been undergoing the past couple of weeks and for probably longer… releasing the self-loathing of a warrior who feels guilty for what he has done in the name of a cause, a nation, a way of life that he no longer recognizes as being healthy or desirable.

I have never worn a uniform in this lifetime, although members of my family certainly have; my father was a Navy Chief, my uncle worked with the Coast Guard, a cousin served in Nam… etc. As a female, I wasn’t expected to engage in warfare. That way of thinking has evolved towards an acceptance of women into the ranks of the military but has done little to alleviate the violence and self-hatred that soldiers, of either sex, feel when they kill and maim and destroy life.

And it is this lingering self-hatred that weaves a sordid pattern through our existence, until one day we resolve to transmute and transform the self-loathing into love of self. And these feelings of self-hatred are carried within our etheric bodies from lifetime to lifetime until we are ready to resolve and transmute them, to deal with them as I have been doing, on a conscious basis and during dreamtime with my guides and mentors.

Yesterday, I was speaking to a young man who had been a gunner. As he described the big artillery guns that he worked with, I could see them in my mind’s eye. Him being an offender and me a staff member, I was not at liberty to tell him of my own remembrances of being a warrior, of working big guns on sailing vessels and starships, of being involved in galactic and terrestrial warfare, of my sense of loss at the destruction of an entire planet or the burning of a humble cottage. Death, destruction and denial are all part of a soldier’s way of life and I understand it, I know it, I feel it, but not because I have been a soldier in this lifetime.

Now is the time that I take off the armour, the braces that have strengthened my arm and protected me from energetic blows, to remove the barriers from around my heart center so that I might more readily feel the energies of those with whom I am connected. Now I can release the self-hatred and condemnation for taking part with the destruction of lives and cultures, each time dying inside as another piece of me died “out there”.

No matter how you might try to convince me that I was only following orders or obeying my commander or performing a righteous act by destroying the enemy, I always instinctively knew that destruction was not the way to right wrongs.

I have already written of remembering my last days as a British RAF bomber pilot. I don’t remember how long I flew the skies over France and Germany; not many who flew those planes ever came home, again. This was in the short, dark days before the Americans entered the war. Britain was losing and was desperate, holding an enemy at bay by the strength of will and courage of her own stubborn people. At the same time, the enemy was being supported by entities within the British and American governments and private, industrial interests, intent in wreaking havoc while making tons of money by supplying both sides of the artificial conflict.

I died in that evil conflict, as did many. And many soldiers still die in wars. The time of using war to solve problems is over; it has been revealed to be a destructive tool used by those who wish to keep humanity under control, dominated and cowed. No longer; the soldiers are waking up, even those who have not been soldiers in this lifetime, like me, are waking up and surrendering our need to defend ourselves against an enemy that never existed except in the illusionary conjuring of beings desperately trying to keep the rest of humanity in fear and in the dark.

Despite all the deliberate burying of the “real” truth of these matters by the mass media, people are waking up and realizing that they have bought and lived a lie, that people aren’t naturally a race that exists only to fight and hate each other – that we are meant to live together and thrive as a collective and fully conscious race.

So, we must step beyond our self-imposed limitations and free ourselves, individually and as a collective, from the false dream that we have lived and struggled within. The walls of the cages have been lifted, but not all of us are comfortable with moving past the former barriers and into the blinding light of freedom, responsibility and embracing the spirit of Unity that urges us all towards a New and unknown world.

It takes former captives some adjustment to become re-accustomed to freedom; some never overcome the conditioned responses that have served as a means to survive the pain. So, we step out into the light, some of us with stronger resolution and determination, others with more temerity and reluctance, for to be well and truly free, we need to fully embrace that we deserve freedom.

The lives that we live now are pivotal in the growth and development of Self as Soul. We are moving towards full consciousness, but moving from a state of being crippled and chained, whether by phantom binders or, in some cases, real prisons. The conditioned mind can be just as much a prison as one made of concrete and steel bars. And it will take many people all of this life and perhaps many lifetimes to be able to willingly release all that keeps them from wanting to move forward and evolve, fully embracing coming into full consciousness.

So, I have chosen to release my old memories, that of being a soldier, a warrior, whether for the defense of my king and queen or done for a cause created by those intent on destroying humanity. I let it go. I am done with it. I move to embrace my growing relationship with my multidimensionality, with my Higher Self, with the masters of Creation, with Father / Mother God… with my own Angelic Self and Cosmic Presence.

With a heart that is near bursting from the unaccustomed inflow of love, I embrace all those who are in the process of opening up to a new awareness of the connections that bind all of life together. I cannot look at the picture of a young animal, a laughing baby, a flower, a beautiful sky, a heavily lined face of an elder, without feeling an oneness with these beings, with all life. I am learning to free my human, limited consciousness and to allow the flow of not knowing what is going to happen, releasing my fears and worries of the future, to walk into the unknown with open eyes, open heart and blithe spirit.

Oregon Butte 060

And I embrace and reach out to all those who have worn uniforms of their various nations or cultures, who have resisted the invaders or have been the invaders themselves. We have all walked in each other’s shoes at one time or another. Now we can lay down our arms and embrace each other, in brotherhood and sisterhood, as human beings and members of Creation, free, whole and unified.

My blessings go forth to all who are evolving and to those who stumble still in the twilight of their own self-imposed darkness. The dawn awaits us all, but we need to step forth into that golden light, of our own free will and in full knowledge that nothing will ever be the same for us again. Have trust that your inner most soul guides you, as the Sword of Truth cuts through the illusions and faith strengthens our determination and our hearts to go forth.


© All Rights Reserved, Eliza Ayres and Blue Dragon Journal 2012-19. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. No videos or recordings are permitted. 

15 thoughts on “Eliza: The Pain of the Warrior

  1. Well said, Alisha. And congratulations on your leaving behind that damaging stuff. You are an inspiration!

  2. Another interesting coinciding that I have with you. Although I know that my live up until now has been in the Kshatriya caste (warrior), I only have one past life that I have remembered. It is a life as an RAF bomber pilot flying over Germany in WWII. I don’t have any memories of specific events, just a general knowing of the whole thing, and the intense emotions. It is interesting that I have always misspelled many American words and did not understand why that kept happening, and then I found out that I was spelling those word in English – not American. Words like color I have always spelled colour.

    • Many of us living now were caught up in that war, especially the Baby Boomer generation. And I know about “misspelling” words; I do it myself sometimes. And love British drama, books, etc.

  3. Dear Eliza, I don’t often comment because in the past I have not felt the confidence of words eloquently flowing as you and many others have. I am also breaking free from the chains that have bound me and have always resonated with your posts. Cheers to all of us who have the courage to step where we have not dared before in this life. It is a wonderful expansive feeling to put yourself out there and let the cards fall where they may. A lot of my guard has been up around my throat chakra and I have recently experienced a cleansing there, so this is me saying I love you and thank you for encouraging and inspiring so many with your words! Lisa

  4. I just read your reply to the comment I posted after reading your journal entry from yesterday and was struck by the power of Love at work . . . as you so perfectly put it ” Love is all and we are Love” ~ in listening to the young man you speak of in todays entry, it occurred to me that even though you may not of been able to say anything because of the structure of your position, just the fact that you have empathy and such a capacity to Be Love, seems like there would also be great healing from the ripple effect of your compassionate understanding. I just love how this Universe works and it appears that there is Divine Order in the choice of your ‘work’.
    Thank you for another Heart opening article,
    Love and Blessings,

    • There was some sort of healing going on. The young man started describing the guns and his job in great detail, as if delighted to be listened to by someone. A crack in his pain has been effected, I hope. Wish I could do more, but with working in a prison there are limitations as to how much empathy you can display. I do treat everyone with respect and keep things on a business-like basis. The offenders appreciate having someone treat them like a human being for a change. Fear exists on both sides of the razor wire. There is so much pain in the world under the old systems; it doesn’t need to be this way any more. The Light is permeating the darkness and we’re all holding the lanterns.

  5. Dear Eliza,
    I feel your release. It is beautifully expressed, indeed.
    As you are filled up with that loving feeling to almost bursting, seem to me that you are ready to change your frequency to a higher vibration.
    My Best wishes on that changing to the next channel. Once there I believe all the lower vibrational stuff would not effect you any longer.


  6. Blessings & love to all. You all touch my heart. Thank you, Eliza. Today, I realized in a phone energy session with a classmate, that love and grief are somehow the same.

    I realized that to be a human, to have the privilege of this sumptuous physical experience, to be the scout for my Higher Self, to be one of God’s spies, if I want to love, I have to also accept that there will be failures and losses, and I will grieve.

    I felt more than I ever have before how mush I’ve been protecting myself my whole life from my fear of grief; steeling myself; and it has shown up in tension in my physical body, and illness.

    For me, this realization & release feels like the same kind of release, release, release we’ve all been doing. Your release and integration, I feel is part of this world-wide release we’re all being offered, and so many are doing.

    Thank you once again, Eliza, for sharing your journey.

    As I release, I find that the heart of my life is puree love. As I feel that love and feel that it is for me, I am less lonely than I’ve ever been. That means that I’m less desperately grateful when I read your posts, and more calm.

    And yet, I feel us as from the circle of dear friends, even more so, whether we have met or ever will. We are one.

    It also means I’m starting to feel the joy that is coming when we are able to communicate telepathically with ourselves, trees, animals and the world and our star-cousins.

    I’ll catch you all on the flip side, and I am looking forward to it.

    • Sarah, as I was reading your lovely, lengthy comment and thoughts, I got an image of grief being love that somehow got tattered and mashed up through resistance and denial. Let it go and it flows out often as tears or relief, but it still in love…for LOVE is all. So all this love has been getting dusty and crumpled within because we haven’t allowed it to flow THROUGH us like the river it is. When we release the tension, let go of the memories, loosen the fear… the love flows again like an river, unimpeded by dams. The first movements of love through our body can be painful as the dirt, rocks and grit that has been stored up in our body as thought-forms, anger, fear, etc., begin to loosen up and come out. We “feel” everything to one degree or another as these thought-forms release, so they feel like “memories” but they are phantasms, illusions. Acknowledge, accept, love them and release them. I’m saying this to myself, too, for as you have stated, we are all going through the same process. Love to thee, Eliza

      • I post this, not only to highlight the frassel ice movement like you explained, to see the release of dammed up stuff released.
        But to remind you that it is coming soon this year!!!
        Would be a very nice nature walk!!


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