Eliza: On Being Vulnerable
Going on two weeks ago, I had a Timeline Clearing Session with Master Thoth (via Meleiresse of Walking Terra Christa). The releasing of what was brought up during that session is still going on. Or I am more sensitive to what is occurring in terms of clearing just below the surface of my awake consciousness.
Last night, while listening to a beautiful channeling from Lord Adama (High Priest, Telos, Lemuria, beneath Mt. Shasta) I started crying. It was a deep… or at least for me, deep release. At the moment it didn’t make any sense to my rational mind, but I went with it. I’ll have to re-listen to the message although it also seemed that Adama was speaking directly to me.
What seems to be emerging into the light is many centuries worth of a complicated set of emotions and thought forms, primarily dealing with being a protector and warrior, deep grief in the loss of those who I protected, guilt and shame, feeling on the edge of society not being accepted… and so on. I was feeling out of sorts with the “group energy”. These are very old energies that I have dealt with during this lifetime and probably many others. They’re probably ones felt by a lot of light workers although sometimes we don’t like to admit it, as if by doing so we are admitting that we don’t love ourselves enough to “get over” the pain, discomfort and angst.
There has also a profound sense of betrayal that has surfaced recently, perhaps due to the deeds of those who I was put over to protect and defend. I will say this, years ago, I remembered the ending of my lifetime previous to this one. I died in WWII due to wounds received when the bomber I was flying was hit by German fire and crashed in NE France. I even met one of my former crew in this lifetime, a friend, who I recognized as being my navigator and was able to escape the burning plane before I crash-landed it. He was later killed while working for the French underground. I wasn’t so lucky, being too severely wounded and fainting after dragging myself out of the wreck. I woke up to see German rifles pointed at me.
Years before I remembered that particular lifetime, I visited the UK. I recognized the south of England as being familiar to me and experienced aha moments throughout the island, even into Scotland. That particular trip brought up both pain and joy for me. It was all quite exhausting for me as I struggled with my extreme sensitivity to the energies that I was encountering in Britain. Only Iona felt “clear” to me and it was a blessing.
Why am I sharing this? It is apparently a wound that has not quite healed and there are other issues related to it, as to how I currently see myself as living in a female body. Frankly I’ve been uncomfortable being a female in this “culture” where we are not meant to accept our bodies as being beautiful no matter what shape they’re in or how many silver hairs we have on our head. There has always been a need embedded in our Western culture to strive to be different than what you are, instead of reaching for acceptance and a willingness to grow and develop naturally.
Being a female in this culture with a lot of male energy makes one a bit different than what is accepted by societal mores. So what’s new for the mostly androgynous beings who call themselves light-workers, star seeds, etc.? We know that we’re more than just a body, because many of us “remember” being elsewhere, as either gender, different races, from assorted cultures and even planets, galaxies and universes.
So I can go out on a hike by myself, primarily because I enjoy being in the woods where I can be alone with the flowers, with the wind, the butterflies and animals that I encounter. I am seldom fearful in the woods. I have encountered coyote, moose, bear, elk, deer, rattlesnakes, range cattle and what have you. Nature feeds my senses and I would spend more time out there but for the lack of physical vitality that I have experienced in recent years. That seems to finally be changing. I still manage to get out on walks and mostly valley pounders to keep a foot in and do a lot of photography while out, some of which I have shared on this blog.
I love beauty and little creatures, but I’m not what you would call a sentimental person. Sentiment is not what I know as love, only an empty substitute. I have felt love emanating from others and echoing in my own heart center. I can discern the difference.
I am allowing more awareness of my strengths and what some people would deem weaknesses, as I grow my self-acceptance and love of self. My confidence levels have increased greatly in the last couple of years, but there is still room for growth. And thing, is the acceptance of my gifts, inner wisdom and intelligence. However, I don’t feel I am at the level when I can serve others with a fully-opened heart. It’s opening, but not completely unconditional as yet — just being honest with myself and with you, my readers.
While growing up, it wasn’t considered “cool” to be intelligent. Why ever not if having “brains” could get you a decent job or career, which was acceptable and expected of males when I was younger. And being artistic (I had an art degree) wasn’t considered quite the thing with people intent on hiring workers for their offices. I was a blip on the screen, a UFO and consequently an outsider during much of my work life.
I’m still working in a difficult environment and have actually been accepted, to a degree, for my intelligence. However, people do still under-estimate me constantly as from the outside they cannot sense the warrior within.
So where is this taking me? A couple of journal entries ago, I wrote of leaving the warrior behind. Well, this morning, I discovered that the warrior is in the process of being integrated within. The warrior is the source of my strength, power and will, the masculine energy of my being. It is an energy that I have both kept hidden and also depended on…resulting in a puzzling mix of an overtly quiet person with a strong sense of independence, who is growing more comfortable with making herself heard by others.
Still, there are moments when the old insecurities surface. So I am letting them be felt and then releasing them, not hanging onto the pain or emotional hooks that might draw me into creating something I would rather not repeat.
It is time to cease being afraid of the skeletons in our closets. It is time to do the spring-cleaning and air out the dark corners of our subconscious mind. I need to learn to accept that what has appeared dark and unappealing to me and certainly to others may, in fact, hold the very gifts that I will use in the New World. So, honestly, I can’t “feel” that we’ve or rather “I” have made it to the New World quite yet, but I’m working on it. I do feel the energies and “see” some things, more than some, less than others. Each of our experiences of this transitional period is going to and has been very, very different, unique to each individual.
I feel it is very important for me, at least, not to feel obligated to be caught up by the wave of having to act out something I’m not feeling just to fit in, again. Not there, yet, folks. I am a forerunner, but perhaps not a frontrunner, LOL.
So, with Valentine’s Day coming up and a recently developed sensitivity to eating things chocolate, I think I’m going to skip the need to demonstrate what is generally deemed a loving presence. If I don’t feel it, I’m not going to fake it.
I am Love and a person in the process of getting to know herself in the fullness of her being and expression, in balance, with grace and power. Love is powerful and the basis of creation. It is not sentiment, so you can forget the cards, the hearts, the mushy greetings and the chocolate.
Perhaps I just need a hug or better yet, a massage. Certainly my energy is feeling a little bristly or maybe I’m just developing cabin fever after a long stressful winter with weeks of foggy, sub-zero weather. I think a few people can relate after experiencing the recent intense weather patterns across the globe.
Transitions and changes are here, massive and in your face; what you do with them is your choice. I chose to go forth into the dawn and courageously face whatever confronts me. It is there that the tests happen; the challenges are met and overcome. It is there you meet yourself as you come into full acceptance of what you have been, what you are today and what you can become in potential. You are all of these in the Now.
Enough for now, dear ones as I’m still sorting out what I am feeling and working through. It’s sometimes difficult to put into words. A suitable analogy might be seeing yourself in a small boat on a large ocean, moving up and down the huge swells. Now you’re up and then you’re down. My moods have been as volatile to the point where I feel I’m slightly bipolar… although they dissipate quickly enough when I become engaged in a project. Such an adventure!
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Photo: Trail in the Central Cascades from http://www.nwhikers.net